Monday, 25 May 2020

Tell me, don’t lie

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for the world, within my soul I weep. You may sleep safely through the night, some might feel the mornings light. After this day, I feel so defeated. Don’t worry be still, may you be seated. No encore, but more nightmares. They won’t quit, they won’t leave though I’m in the midst of despair. I can’t handle this no more, please give me a rest. You will feel nothing but pain beating out of my chest. Please if you read this just cut me some slack, I’m done you win just give me my life back

I told myself I wouldn’t post. I told myself I was better. I need to be better, and I am. And then it hits. Someone hits again and again though I’ve tried so hard to escape. 

I just want to be accepted. I want to be desired. I want to be respected. 

I want to be treated like a normal human being. 

I can’t change my past. It’s gone too wrong that I can’t even leave it behind me. 

This hole is dig so deep that no one can find me. 

This week I’ve regressed. I’ve come leaps and bounds yet regressed? 

I know not to talk and to hold my tongue. I shouldn’t say the thoughts that come to my head. I need to be like everyone else. Basically lame and mundane.

I used to pride myself at times for being different but it is very clear now it does not benefit anyone especially me. 

I can’t change anything, how I wish so hard I could. 

Please I beg for forgiveness. I’m not the person I ever wanted to be. 

I’m not the daughter a parent deserves and should stand by. 

I don’t deserve the love I’m offered. 

I get what I deserve. I get judgment. I get rumours and shame. I get hated, tarnished and gossiped. 

I am disliked and excluded. As has been majority of my life. 

Yet I have such wonderful people blessed in my life, my family and hopefully one day family in law, my very few friends and this little grub in my belly. 

I’m stopping now. I need rest. I woke up crying and now going back to sleep crying.  Today was a very bad day. The first bad day in a long time. 

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