Thursday, 5 March 2020
My Nightmare pandemic spreads
Here we go again. I’m alone in bed and plaqued. I wake up with a scream, or now I’m trying to cover my mouth as I do.
Sexual assault and sexual abuse. No one has taken these into account other than health professionals about my diagnoses, why I’m so mentally ill and why Ivact the way I act.
I can’t tell my partner the dreams I have or my loved ones due to the shame. I desperately crave to be held by my partner and comforted but I don’t. The shame. I’m pathetic.
All of these nightmares you imagine it’s the end of your life, because really it is of a normal life anyway.
I sob in silence and think I see people surrounding my bed. People I don’t recognise. They are dark figured.
I don’t know what to say. I never speak of this topic as I go blank. I shut it down. I blame myself and I block it out.
My pain bares not scars to see. So I made the scars myself.
I don’t know when this pain will end. I’m angry. So angry. At them. I feel I will never off forgiveness. Not to myself nor the devils work. I fear for what I carry within me.
This is why I cling to you when I’m drunk. The fear.
I trust my love the most. And believe he will never hurt me.
But he doesn’t trust me. Because I am shameful, because I am a mess because I am disgusting. I am filthy. And this filth won’t wash off.
To my future child, I will confess my guilt and hope to offer some solace in not following what others are doing. How it can go wrong. Even when it’s someone you trust. I want to hold you and love you. Protect and guide you. But I cannot hold you forever, I cannot always be around to monitor the people near you. For that I am sorry and that is my greatest anguish. I think that officially makes me a parent now?
How you chose not to speak of these topics for the pain it brings. But when you’re down, when you’re broken you somehow believe that’s what you deserved.
I shed no tears as I type for I blink no more. For the blink brings faces and pain. You think I don’t know what it’s like to be numb? Well I do. This is the real numb. This is easy and this I’ll always be to this topic.
I wanted to keep writing in my safe space here to help me heal and release because I cannot speak words aloud. But here I have gone emotionally blank as I have trained to do.
And here I contemplate posting due to fear and shame?
But does this offer healing? Does this offer helping someone else? Does this make someone think twice? Or does this change the way you look at me as I know it will.
Don’t pity me. Don’t cry for me. Please pray for me. Pray for silence.
Or Just ignore it and forget it, like so many abide. And I don’t object to this. I don’t hate this decision.
Just know the world.
Know it’s not safe.
And you can’t protect your children