Wednesday, 4 March 2020

Fistula

Its apparent I can't say anything anywhere without concerning or hurting someone somewhere. I an no where. I lost all sensations towards myself and find my anxiety rising above. I don't even know what to say right now, if I even have any feelings about life. I am blank, nothing but a pin cushion, the pain never ends. But who cares right? I should just be happy. No one thinks less for me for losing 2 jobs! NO one thinks less of me for falling pregnant ! NO one judges my every move! NO one has more respect for me! NO one no one no one. The list goes on, like when will this shit end? I am forever haunted by my life and nothing is ever going to change. People are never going to change, because humanity is a disaster. If Trump can't save us who can? I almost wish the coronovirus was worse so all these dipshit people would die. Wow, this is what iv become? wishing others deaths. That actually makes me ashamed and sad. Jesus teaches us to love our enemies, well its not that I have enemies its just that people these days are f*ckn twats. Honestly. This is what Iv'e become. Angry. Bitter. and Judgmental. I give every person the time of day and offer my best support. Whilst I receive judgement, taunts and ridicule. I am badly depressed. And I am TRYING to recover I am TRYING to be a better person, I am TRYING to live my life the way it was intended I am TRYING to help others I am trying to be me. what can you say for yourself?? I've accepted I can't be the change I want to see in the world. I've accepted this is my life and what I've got to dealt with. I've accepted I am in terrible times. I've accepted that life never goes to plan and I am in control of nothing. I've accepted people don't think much of me. I've accepted I am judged for every breath I take. I accept I am both loved and unloved I accept I am different You think I am childish, and that's probably due to my dramatic outlook on life. That's fair, but just remember that children see the world for a better place than it is. children maintain their innocence, children speak the truth without worry, children are honestly learning. Children cry when they are hurt. Children have more nightmares. Children have lowered immune systems. Children are taught what they do. They learn from watching. They learn from hearing. They copy. Maybe I am childish, I only preach what I have learnt, I tell the truth and share my feelings knowing that if I don't they will be suppressed and arise in other disorders. I get sick very often. I try to act oblivious to the constant pain consuming me day in and day out. When I am hurt, I break. And right now? I can't find a shard of myself. My attempt of starting my YouTube channel to help spread awareness of mental health Peace xx

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