Wednesday, 4 March 2020

Defeated.

I aimed to be in bed early. But alas I am again defeated. 
I cannot sleep for this pain in my chest. This anxiety makes me physically sick. I can barely eat. 
The tears sting my eyes and dries on my cheeks. 
No one hears me cry. 
I don’t want this. 
I never wanted my life to be like this! 
I wish I could go back and start again and not fall into mental illness and destroy the rest of my life. 
This guilt is killing me. This shame is potent. I’m not even allowed to be me, I can’t talk to anyone without worrying them and then getting repercussions. 
So I stay silent. This blog is how I articulate. 
What you will read when I’m gone. 

I need help. And I’m getting help. But I’ve fallen so far apart I don’t know if I can be glued back together again. 
I’m basically Humpty Dumpty, except I jumped off the wall. 

And now it’s even later as I wait for medication to sedate me . 
I know I need to work on catastrophizing. That’s huge right now, and I’m glad I can identify that. But money isn’t going to appear from no where, this child isn’t going to provide for itself. 
I have no where else to go. 
I’ve never felt so alone and despised. 

Shouldn’t care what other people think, but it’s a bit hard when it affects your every day life that others knowingly talk behind your back and lie to your face. 
People make sacrifices. I don’t think I’m a sacrifice in any other way than to be abandoned. By all hope. Of all changes and trials . Of all joy and live —— through judgement by thoughts of others.i rest my case. 

I want someone on all sides. I want us all equal and to have the same goal in mind. I want happiness and comfort. Love and friendship. 
Which these days I suppose is a lot to ask. 

I want so many things in life. 
I’ve lost so many things in life, 
I hold my life in my chest, 
My heart on my sleeve, 
My eyes to capture disaster as it begins and imprints on my mind. 

This pain, this life, this mess, 

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