Wednesday, 5 February 2020
read by no one. Untouched misery
Today i saw you for the first time. I was so relieved you were at this stage perfect However I am not. You are wanted and soon I will admit to allow myself to love you. He hates mes. Hr will always hate me and I can't change it because it way my mistake, my negligence. But darling you were not the mistake. I will never let you think, that. I for one carry that burden and know how t feels to be a mistake. Hard to explain because my parents wanted and planned for me as responsible married well established couples do. But I was broken from the start. If i had been a natural birth I would have died, i should have died and saved so much pain from others. But then I wouldn't have you my Adah. Pain is my middle name. its what I feel its what i perceive and its unintentionally what i give away. I am stupid, reckless and a fool. I have failed you and I have failed my relationship with my one true love who will never love me. He is deciding whether or not to even give a shit about this relationship. I don't know if much hurts me anymore. I don't sleep or I oversleep by catching up. when I think of my situation now having lost my job because I was not performing the way I should have. I was not given a fair chance and i was not given direction or guidance. They failed me. Turns out all Pharmacists do is monopolies towns. They don't actually give a shit. No one does. I am never given a chance. It seems all i do I fail. all i try leads me no where, so where do i go from here? Clearly my blogging career is not taking off? haha. i need to work on another anorexia video. complete my channel. I need to leave a mark on this earth. More the pain i cause. I must help people as i felt i was destined to be. My last living grandfather suffers more falls, more TIAs and more strokes though in care. His end is near and I want so bad to tell him about you!! he would be so happy. he would bless us, he would love us. He truly is an amazing man. All my grandparents are or have been. so many memories. and heaven is going to be fantastic. but the pain is never ending. today I hurt myself.psychically. after crying uncontrollably for 4 hours. I started burning my self. and i stopped crying. i felt. the addiction. It will always be there. This blog my outlet. i do not have much else and i have nothing to give but love. well thats what I want to give. I never saw losing two jobs in a year. my plans are finished. and now with this lawyers bills trying to amend my reputation. If they do not concede to a lesser sentence, my career in anything to do with the government is finished. denied. all my university studies, all my effort all my sleepless nights for nothing. I don't know where to go from here. I can't go up. and it seems the futher i fall down this hole its collapsing on me and smothering me until the ultimate end. I don't want to do that to you. My analogy i thought today was bizarre but this i will end with. I was like a tree, i grew and stood tall and flourish and plentiful. and then the weather affected me, and i began to fade. From there people doubted my worth. I was a target to remove. so i was cut down, branch by branch. Alas! i was sent to be recycled and I was ! I picked myself up time and time again! this was my cycle, I had this, and then in a swift moment I was think as paper and burnt to dust. to travel the air continuing into disintegrating smoke. I am the smoke of the past. my past. it burnt out. and the trail has faded. and now you can no longer feel it. only remembering my faults. I am not alone. many trees get cut down to the same extent. and for that the good people fade and the evil in this world prevails.