Friday, 28 February 2020

I thought.

I thought I was doing okay. 
I thoughts things were getting better. 
I thought I could more forward.

But every blow I fall. I’m struggling to stand back up. 
Every tear I cry, doesn’t dry. 
This pain, the anguish, I pray and give it away. 

To receive nothing as a result. 

These wounds. Haven’t they healed? 
These scars are my reminder. 
My loneliness is constant. 
My fear is forever. 

My depression thickens as the clouds consume me. 
I don’t want to be in this position again. 

I’m trying so hard! 
I do the right things, 
I see the health professionals. 
I speak out. 
I seek help. 

But it always comes back. 

I never thought I could suffer this much. 
I never thought such internal pain could be real. 

I’m happy. But obviously not happy. 
What am I meant to be or do? 
Other than burden. Other than shame. 
I’m too old for these problems, it’s gone on long enough. 
My recoveries are short lived. I must face that truth instead of living in denial. 

I just cry. Cry alone. No one to hold. No one I want to bare this pain on. 

I keep fighting and I will keep fighting. 

But I am weak. I am drowning, 
I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Obviously right now I’m in quite a worked up state. 
So what I’m blabbering is venting from the heart because I cannot articulate my words out loud. 

How will I survive this world? How will I get ahead? 
I’m not the person I ever wanted to be. 

Please pray for me lord. Take this pain for just half an hour of peace. And help me be motivated to continue on. 
And finish my studies. 
For I fear I’m a failure. I don’t quit because it’s hard I quit because I can’t cope. And my mind is not ready. 

I must push on I know and will.but baby it hurts. 
And no one sees my tears. 

I want a life. I want a job. I want to be happy. And I want to live freely. I want my life. And I will keep my life. 

But ignoring these problems is ignorance. 
I don’t wish to start my life again. I’m tired of that slow tedious process. 
I must persevere. I must strive and by the grace of god in the last 15 years I will provide. 

God bless xxx 
And tomorrow is sometimes better 

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