Sunday, 9 February 2020

More than 1 in 7.85 billion

This week I was fired from my job. My only job in this town I moved to and my relationship is almost lost and now I've lost my job. I'm nearly three months pregnant and now i have no income, no nothing. If i miscarriage after this i will blame my now ex boss, i will blame myself and this stress and will want to die. im not handling this at all. i cant do this. we begin again 12;44 10/2/2020. So I lost my job last week. I am very bitter about it and cannot sleep with all this stress. Not only have I lost my soul income. I'm in a loveless relationship with someone who resents me. I do not believe that is ever going to change. He hates most about me that I had breast augmentation surgery because of anorexia. That is a choice I made for my self and the best choice I ever made for recovery. Becoming anorexic? That I deny. Illness is not a choice. Illness consumes and illness kills. I wish it had killed me. I really do. Now i have nothing because i've been in hospital so much from now self harm, overdoses and suicide attempts I have nothing left. My life is tainted and my soul is lifeless. I cant change these things. But I try. Oh how I try. You probably don't think that reading my blogs but no one reads these. These are my release. The only way I can express myself and articulate. I cant speak through the tears, i cant see through the shame. I feel from the burns on my hand and the migraine that never fades. I told a customer I did not even have to serve who was yelling and losing it at me because she didnt have a sticker. Then I accidentally gave her the wrong sticker. oh no. I apologized and quickly fixed the mistake with the correct sticker and paperwork she required. She still snapped. and under my breathe i said 'okay'. I was in another situation where I was being treated like a piece of shit. NO. NO NO NO. Not this girl. Not the girl who survives multiple sexual assaults and abuse. Not the girl who gets her wrists stitched. not the girl with scars, not the girl who has survived anorexia, who has survived when all the odds were against me. no. Not this time lady. Im not that little push over anymore. I am not a piece of shit. I am strong. I have courage. I and I am not afraid to tell you what I think. But it was a professional services area. So I admitted yes, I made a mistake, i resurrected it and I politely stated "you don't need to be so rude". I was fired. Boss says: I am three months pregnant. Living in a run down building with no hot water, no toilet and no shower. And no income. My partner only worries about money and now blames me for being so stupid in the past that I cannot change that now I cant afford food or internet. Im living off my partner, which is something in my life I never ever wanted to be. This is pathetic. He doesn't forgive me for having a hard time or going through tough times. At the age of 26 i should have some direction in my life. I should have some money behind me. Well i own a house and a fully paid brand new car. But what does that matter. Because I do not matter. Just another excuse to break up with me. Poor kid, he keeps trying but I have nothing and no where to go. So i stay. I put up with the put downs, the abuse, the mocking and anger. Oh the anger. money money money. and now i have none. Im a no go. Nada. No comprenday, usta lavista. "you're a good person" they both say. Go fuck yourself. If this is what being a good person gets me then I don't want to be one. Go slit your wrists, get sexually abused , get drugged, get detained, get used, be blamed, be bullied, starve yourself for 10 years, lose your beauty, lose your life, be revived to live a life you don't want, keep self harming, trying to get your pain from the inside to the outside, be ignored, be left alone, be friendless, be forced into 23 hospital admissions for months on end. Try to start again. again and again and again. YOU DO THAT AND FUCKING TELL ME IF YOU BECOME A GOOD PERSON????????? exactly. So i must be pretty god damn special to be a 'good person' or maybe i just treat people how i want to be treated. Its not bloody hard. Maybe take a page from my book. "shes a good customer and drives a long way for our services" what the fuck? I have 13 scripts and now youre judging me on my medication are'nt you.. "I spent half an hour of my time apologizing" The only apology required was from her. What YOU need to do is provide training how you expect us to act in a fair fiduciary way. You should train us to not be calm but to walk away. Walk away when no one is around. When other workers are oblivious to customers at the counter or throughout the store and so i get stuck serving when its not even my area. Reprimand me? Reprimand the rest of your staff on their roles and responsibilities. Lets not forget your the boss, you are human, I am human, mistakes happen. This is the role you chose. "she admits she was a little aggressive" a little aggressive? I hope you both regret your decisions for the rest of your lives. Leaving a pregnant lonely suicidal girl pushed yet again to the very edge. How I now have started self harming. Now wish my life away. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I am tired or beginning again. I cannot do it anymore. I hope you both remember how you destroyed and spat on an already broken and fragile girl, who never wanted any of this. I never wanted this pain. all i do is to try and mistake it stop. and you. all three of you. all you do is throw it in my face. drop my dreams into a million shattered pieces. yet again. and expect me to glue them back together again? I am christian. I am taught to love my enemies. You are not my enemies. You are shitty people and you take it out on every innocent pure soul you find and think that is okay. It is never okay to treat someone like shit. Its called having a rational conversation. its called resolution. its not called pulling the cord because that's the easy way out. That's not life. and if you live that way you are only setting yourself up to fail. So you have my pity. and I laugh. You continue to monopolize the town, and I will consider to spread the truth of your actions. The truth of your business, the truth of your personality and the truth of your cowardliness. if this brings you down? well that's not my intention. I am simply telling the world how i interpret it works. I have insight. More insight that many will never have. I have lived a million lives. I hold hands as someone dies alone. I prepare bodies in respect and say a prayer for the freedom of their soul. I will always be able to do things many people will never be capable of. I am more than just a "good person". do not give me that shit. I am more than 1 in 1,0000. Im breaking this depression, I am smashing this sorrow, the inconsolable fits of tears. I am 1 and the only 1 in 7.58 billion. And I am more than just a "good person"

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