Friday, 28 February 2020
I thought I was doing okay.
I thoughts things were getting better.
I thought I could more forward.
But every blow I fall. I’m struggling to stand back up.
Every tear I cry, doesn’t dry.
This pain, the anguish, I pray and give it away.
To receive nothing as a result.
These wounds. Haven’t they healed?
These scars are my reminder.
My loneliness is constant.
My fear is forever.
My depression thickens as the clouds consume me.
I don’t want to be in this position again.
I’m trying so hard!
I do the right things,
I see the health professionals.
I speak out.
I seek help.
But it always comes back.
I never thought I could suffer this much.
I never thought such internal pain could be real.
I’m happy. But obviously not happy.
What am I meant to be or do?
Other than burden. Other than shame.
I’m too old for these problems, it’s gone on long enough.
My recoveries are short lived. I must face that truth instead of living in denial.
I just cry. Cry alone. No one to hold. No one I want to bare this pain on.
I keep fighting and I will keep fighting.
But I am weak. I am drowning,
I don’t know what to do anymore.
Obviously right now I’m in quite a worked up state.
So what I’m blabbering is venting from the heart because I cannot articulate my words out loud.
How will I survive this world? How will I get ahead?
I’m not the person I ever wanted to be.
Please pray for me lord. Take this pain for just half an hour of peace. And help me be motivated to continue on.
And finish my studies.
For I fear I’m a failure. I don’t quit because it’s hard I quit because I can’t cope. And my mind is not ready.
I must push on I know and will.but baby it hurts.
And no one sees my tears.
I want a life. I want a job. I want to be happy. And I want to live freely. I want my life. And I will keep my life.
But ignoring these problems is ignorance.
I don’t wish to start my life again. I’m tired of that slow tedious process.
I must persevere. I must strive and by the grace of god in the last 15 years I will provide.
God bless xxx
And tomorrow is sometimes better
Wednesday, 19 February 2020
On the 2nd February 2020 I dreamt from 4am to 9am We were in Rome. The sights were maxing. We danced and we sang. We wanted go spend our lives there. We could see prosperity and joy. We would be happy money or not. But the people they turned. We were then on a beach. In a hotel. And the English were making fun of the Australians which was only our one big family. We got out tell them they were sick heads and to shove it. They did not understand. They are poms, what did you expect? We were then on holiday crossing from dimension to dimension through a crater in the ground with a fountain. You could jump in and be in love. The whole city you ventured you were always in water and love. Friends forever. They cheered us in as we were chosen to dance. We were fantastic. I ran off with my gluten free bread in my hand to feed a creature. A foreign creature I cannot recall. Then there was a crow. It beconed to me. I went to climb the fence and leave when it Calle. For me not to leave. So I resisted and my new tights a was wearing split at the crutch. I was devostated as they were expensive. My sister was se I stayed for me. We were in Rome. In love. And made our way to the cinema. Young and escaping our family for new fellows. Her I sat next too, though he did not want me to she moved rows down to call me to her. There was two seats in front of us - leadin to the isle; though there were bags on them and people in the two seats beside she kept kicking, putting her feet up there - even when the person next would push her down. I apologised. Calmed him down. He said a prayer . He was foreign- between Chinese and Japanese. Tourist. Forgiving. I was hiding and a girl went to the isle as if she was the explode and she voided. She voided and with embarrassment ran away. I went to run after her, she was my friend. But first I helped the staff member clean the urine. Well at least cover it in towels. We were on a cruise ship then. And I said to the staff member - this is the worse thing that could have happened to a girl her age and she said biggest news to be heard in summer camp. Or something along those lines. I replied hence while in Australia we don’t have those camps. “Fuck that” I said. I found her changed my the toilets, I hugged her embarrassment into normality. When a boy made fun of her and I punched him in the groin as a metaphor for what he was mocking. (Urine/genitals). Somehow there was another crossover from the ship to - I cannot recall as my dream is fading by 18 minutes. The last section was between a target store on the ship. Things we wanted to browse but had no time. There were no diaries in the style I wanted left and it took me cereal returns to the store before I found summer/autumn maternity wear. Winter gear on clearance was all I could find. There was a bomb. First her face was split open. And I told her time and fine again as had in the past for another wound she needs to close it or it will open more, never heal and scar Terribly. The incision was her face. She looked as if her face had burst through a vagina. She did not care. Oblivious to my pleas. Therefore I disregarded what would be her misfortune. I walked through her house. As I have done in the past life. And the kitchen was pure white stone. I felt the silk beneath my left hand as it glides across the counter. I was in ore. But what had me stunned was the crystal dish rack. What if it fell to the floor I thought? Yet it was flawless. Shiny and stunning and I wanted to be. I followed her and her brother for a valentines surprise to her and her husbands room. They went through a sliding bracket wooden door and I heard and felt their voices darken to fidelity. I then thought it was her and her husband I had mistaken. I closed the main door and walked into the lounge where I found the brother, the husband and her children. Who was she talking to? There was no one else here. Where was Samuel? I can’t see his face in my mind though he bears my heart. Next and final scene. In the cruise ship. We were in Japan and this went on for a long time. I was always being chased and I and a 7 month old child were thrown from a viechle of the sleeping mother, who then caught the baby avoiding the shooter aiming at her looting her car. It was a good ending. The child would live but I believe she grew to be Aylie who was my sister in the ship. A mere 7 years old, bold with her spirit and a stump as her left arm. We were back as our family and the ship was coming to a title wave. We just wanted to come back to Australia. But there was NASA shuttle mishaps, firing in the night and crashing where no one could see. Destroying underground car parks time and time again. There was nothing left but the crater supported by one beam the a wall. It as going to collapse on us. I yelled and we ran. Why were they so interested and besotted in these failing shuttle and space station voyages unknown to the public. Perhaps they have more land than I had imagined. I urged my brother and father in as they kept following the crashes and sparks in the sky. I too at this point was intrigued. Until it turned into a train and was soaring through the train tracks. Track to track. Turning into the wrong track as the mechanism failed. Only to collide with another train. Eventually on the 5th train passengers caught in and jumped for their lives. Back in the ship made of steel and cement. We were going to drown. The waves flooded in as the title wave went over us. “ stay away from the corner of the staircases” where we were, for that is where currents were strongest and was suppressing those to the bottom of the ship and drowning them. We clung to the metal railing. We after wave, water rushing. We could see the sky and our hopes turned to rejoice. But not for long. We tried to climb higher escaping the growing water. The screams -and pain of others I could feel. I felt judged. The higher the water rose the quicker we climbed and harder we clinched to the rails. The wind was blowing and the ship was to be consumed to the right side. The captain steered us through the river sharp corner after sharp corner. We did not know where to hide. We were all lost and shambled from one another. I had Aylie. She was my protector. No one would believe the next title wave was coming. And they relaxed. Yet they would let no one sit near the emergence y windows or escapes assuming they were easily opened by the waved. Used for fire escapes not drowning. We forced our way up the three of us. Our foreign friend whom we loved with us. We had no where but the middle seats to sit with nothing to hang onto with the hits of waves and fooods of water going through us. Our friend suggested we sit on the floor. These seats were only free as the children in fronts seats were al paid for by their parents so they could put their chairs tilted. Very thoughtful. So we sat in the fooor using the seat belts to tie us to the bars supporting the seats. I checked Aylie. Her spirit thriving with courage and strength. She was fastened in. We survived the waves and flood but the anguish was to continue before freedom. The boat half destroyed would no release the lifeboats as people refused to leave their luggage and then anything was free for all because the staff could no longer cope. I did not even think of our belonging. But Aiyla. She had seen a yellow elephant figure made from stone and idoled it. She begged as a child, she appeared to me as a three year old for the innocence of terrorism and despairs I reached for the elephant and gave it to her. She was so happy. Though I never saw that elephant again. At the bars for the third wave I cried for her, she would not come to me. I let go and searched for her. She was then 10 years old. I screamed. Embarrassingly she found me, I anchored her through my arms and body having her cling to the rail with one hand. Her other a stump . She was scared and I promised her I would always protect her. We survived the wave. But I was in another area. There was a mass shooting at the top of the ship as we had docked to be released at last to freedom. There was terrorism. There was mass shootings of those trying to cross to the place where you are welcomed by your country. ? (H) boarder patrol? The shooters were coming closer moving down the isles of steps. I went to the bottom to be told that’s where they want you for that is where the bomb is to explode. As had it been planned in the explosion supposedly in an Australian liner. So I climbed to the top alone. I could only think of myself. But at a time I was hanging from bars with my parents. My mother paints in brown wretched paper with silk and gold pain bu hand. Creating beautiful portraits. They distracted us all. My father and I admired her. And then I was close behind cement for the shootings and people were consumed by grief of their imminent death raise the hands to be shot off. Raise their noses to be skinned by bullets. They felt no pain other than grief. I was leaded a red I continued. Towards the top on the second landing sloping down. This would never work I thought, we were surely to die. They were coming to shoot closer and slowly I retreated down the cement slope. And then the lights went off. The bullets fired but we ran for our lives. Our eyes felt like they were sewn shut as we bolted across the landing. I was in tears. We were free. I was distraught. And jumped across the barriers to the first person I knew to embarrass me with love. I was safe and cared for but could not look anyone in the eyes. I soon learnt I was to be alone as my family and Aylie had escaped to a train only to collide with a train in front as a premonition it felt. Though they jumped too late and there was a bomb on that trained. As the trains collided tough my family had jumped. The only place to jump was down a hill with great rocks. I soon found them. They were dead. But they had lived this long! They had survived so much! But they were scorched by the flames and heat of the explosion as they had jumped. They were wad before they hit the ground. They had waited until the last minute. Move while you can still move. Do not hesitate. But they had and this was the result. I found Aylie. She had shrunk from the burns and her eyes burnt open. I stared finally into eyes. Her eyes. As I shut mine. What had this accomplished? Why did this happen? Terrorism. Natural disasters. This was to be the second coming. This was going to be the end. The gentle and spirited taken first. I was left. I was evil and left to be judged. Yet I was already in hell. The shooting began again as we moved down the rocky hill jumping from train line to train line out of site of the shootings. We stopped hoping to be alas free. There was an older woman with her daughter. She wore a purple cape hiding her face as she turned. She was beautiful. I wanted to comment but i thought I’d better not. We tried to climb the next hill but the Japanese has a pathway. They had viewpoints all through the cliffs surrounding us and underground with secret doors of protection from terrorism. We went to enter but a we turned around to look back we saw train after train collide and fall tram by tram down the distant hills. We we shaken. But we did not feel guilt. We did not feel anything. We were numb. We had lost everything but our lives as we entered the hidden cave by the string protecting door, hidden by shrubs and greenery I did not mention. And alas that was then the end as we entered again into darkness; again into the unknown.
The black surrounds engulfed by fear. The flames, the burn the face of you. I’m over here drowning while you sleep. Feel the scar as it bleeds from me. Not enough for you, too much for me. Death is easy death is quick. What do you say to this? How can you save someone from themselves. Don’t catch me and watch me fall. Watch me fly and start the fire. I’m fine but I’m bleeding. The shame and guilt suffocates. The blood flows down and pools. You’re not the person you wanted to be
Fire burns the eyes of you. Daggers lash the wrists of way. I’m lost I’m blind I’m nothing. Worthless as trash but trash burns the eyes of you . Al alone and weak. But I can’t feel a thing. Be kind they say but to whom they speak. Lies lies lies. I wish I was dead. Off with her head! A rope around the neck or an injection of air. To make the heart stop, to make the heart bleed. Why is my poetry so suicidal? Why are you suicidal. Why does death convey me, why do we need air to breathe and a heart to pump? Have you found you’re calling or are you just incapable. Are you boring and weird sleek like a Cheshire Cat? Are you fat an ugly like you were yesterday? Confidence baby
Sunday, 9 February 2020
This week I was fired from my job. My only job in this town I moved to and my relationship is almost lost and now I've lost my job. I'm nearly three months pregnant and now i have no income, no nothing. If i miscarriage after this i will blame my now ex boss, i will blame myself and this stress and will want to die. im not handling this at all. i cant do this. we begin again 12;44 10/2/2020. So I lost my job last week. I am very bitter about it and cannot sleep with all this stress. Not only have I lost my soul income. I'm in a loveless relationship with someone who resents me. I do not believe that is ever going to change. He hates most about me that I had breast augmentation surgery because of anorexia. That is a choice I made for my self and the best choice I ever made for recovery. Becoming anorexic? That I deny. Illness is not a choice. Illness consumes and illness kills. I wish it had killed me. I really do. Now i have nothing because i've been in hospital so much from now self harm, overdoses and suicide attempts I have nothing left. My life is tainted and my soul is lifeless. I cant change these things. But I try. Oh how I try. You probably don't think that reading my blogs but no one reads these. These are my release. The only way I can express myself and articulate. I cant speak through the tears, i cant see through the shame. I feel from the burns on my hand and the migraine that never fades. I told a customer I did not even have to serve who was yelling and losing it at me because she didnt have a sticker. Then I accidentally gave her the wrong sticker. oh no. I apologized and quickly fixed the mistake with the correct sticker and paperwork she required. She still snapped. and under my breathe i said 'okay'. I was in another situation where I was being treated like a piece of shit. NO. NO NO NO. Not this girl. Not the girl who survives multiple sexual assaults and abuse. Not the girl who gets her wrists stitched. not the girl with scars, not the girl who has survived anorexia, who has survived when all the odds were against me. no. Not this time lady. Im not that little push over anymore. I am not a piece of shit. I am strong. I have courage. I and I am not afraid to tell you what I think. But it was a professional services area. So I admitted yes, I made a mistake, i resurrected it and I politely stated "you don't need to be so rude". I was fired. Boss says: I am three months pregnant. Living in a run down building with no hot water, no toilet and no shower. And no income. My partner only worries about money and now blames me for being so stupid in the past that I cannot change that now I cant afford food or internet. Im living off my partner, which is something in my life I never ever wanted to be. This is pathetic. He doesn't forgive me for having a hard time or going through tough times. At the age of 26 i should have some direction in my life. I should have some money behind me. Well i own a house and a fully paid brand new car. But what does that matter. Because I do not matter. Just another excuse to break up with me. Poor kid, he keeps trying but I have nothing and no where to go. So i stay. I put up with the put downs, the abuse, the mocking and anger. Oh the anger. money money money. and now i have none. Im a no go. Nada. No comprenday, usta lavista. "you're a good person" they both say. Go fuck yourself. If this is what being a good person gets me then I don't want to be one. Go slit your wrists, get sexually abused , get drugged, get detained, get used, be blamed, be bullied, starve yourself for 10 years, lose your beauty, lose your life, be revived to live a life you don't want, keep self harming, trying to get your pain from the inside to the outside, be ignored, be left alone, be friendless, be forced into 23 hospital admissions for months on end. Try to start again. again and again and again. YOU DO THAT AND FUCKING TELL ME IF YOU BECOME A GOOD PERSON????????? exactly. So i must be pretty god damn special to be a 'good person' or maybe i just treat people how i want to be treated. Its not bloody hard. Maybe take a page from my book. "shes a good customer and drives a long way for our services" what the fuck? I have 13 scripts and now youre judging me on my medication are'nt you.. "I spent half an hour of my time apologizing" The only apology required was from her. What YOU need to do is provide training how you expect us to act in a fair fiduciary way. You should train us to not be calm but to walk away. Walk away when no one is around. When other workers are oblivious to customers at the counter or throughout the store and so i get stuck serving when its not even my area. Reprimand me? Reprimand the rest of your staff on their roles and responsibilities. Lets not forget your the boss, you are human, I am human, mistakes happen. This is the role you chose. "she admits she was a little aggressive" a little aggressive? I hope you both regret your decisions for the rest of your lives. Leaving a pregnant lonely suicidal girl pushed yet again to the very edge. How I now have started self harming. Now wish my life away. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I am tired or beginning again. I cannot do it anymore. I hope you both remember how you destroyed and spat on an already broken and fragile girl, who never wanted any of this. I never wanted this pain. all i do is to try and mistake it stop. and you. all three of you. all you do is throw it in my face. drop my dreams into a million shattered pieces. yet again. and expect me to glue them back together again? I am christian. I am taught to love my enemies. You are not my enemies. You are shitty people and you take it out on every innocent pure soul you find and think that is okay. It is never okay to treat someone like shit. Its called having a rational conversation. its called resolution. its not called pulling the cord because that's the easy way out. That's not life. and if you live that way you are only setting yourself up to fail. So you have my pity. and I laugh. You continue to monopolize the town, and I will consider to spread the truth of your actions. The truth of your business, the truth of your personality and the truth of your cowardliness. if this brings you down? well that's not my intention. I am simply telling the world how i interpret it works. I have insight. More insight that many will never have. I have lived a million lives. I hold hands as someone dies alone. I prepare bodies in respect and say a prayer for the freedom of their soul. I will always be able to do things many people will never be capable of. I am more than just a "good person". do not give me that shit. I am more than 1 in 1,0000. Im breaking this depression, I am smashing this sorrow, the inconsolable fits of tears. I am 1 and the only 1 in 7.58 billion. And I am more than just a "good person"
Wednesday, 5 February 2020
Today i saw you for the first time. I was so relieved you were at this stage perfect However I am not. You are wanted and soon I will admit to allow myself to love you. He hates mes. Hr will always hate me and I can't change it because it way my mistake, my negligence. But darling you were not the mistake. I will never let you think, that. I for one carry that burden and know how t feels to be a mistake. Hard to explain because my parents wanted and planned for me as responsible married well established couples do. But I was broken from the start. If i had been a natural birth I would have died, i should have died and saved so much pain from others. But then I wouldn't have you my Adah. Pain is my middle name. its what I feel its what i perceive and its unintentionally what i give away. I am stupid, reckless and a fool. I have failed you and I have failed my relationship with my one true love who will never love me. He is deciding whether or not to even give a shit about this relationship. I don't know if much hurts me anymore. I don't sleep or I oversleep by catching up. when I think of my situation now having lost my job because I was not performing the way I should have. I was not given a fair chance and i was not given direction or guidance. They failed me. Turns out all Pharmacists do is monopolies towns. They don't actually give a shit. No one does. I am never given a chance. It seems all i do I fail. all i try leads me no where, so where do i go from here? Clearly my blogging career is not taking off? haha. i need to work on another anorexia video. complete my channel. I need to leave a mark on this earth. More the pain i cause. I must help people as i felt i was destined to be. My last living grandfather suffers more falls, more TIAs and more strokes though in care. His end is near and I want so bad to tell him about you!! he would be so happy. he would bless us, he would love us. He truly is an amazing man. All my grandparents are or have been. so many memories. and heaven is going to be fantastic. but the pain is never ending. today I hurt myself.psychically. after crying uncontrollably for 4 hours. I started burning my self. and i stopped crying. i felt. the addiction. It will always be there. This blog my outlet. i do not have much else and i have nothing to give but love. well thats what I want to give. I never saw losing two jobs in a year. my plans are finished. and now with this lawyers bills trying to amend my reputation. If they do not concede to a lesser sentence, my career in anything to do with the government is finished. denied. all my university studies, all my effort all my sleepless nights for nothing. I don't know where to go from here. I can't go up. and it seems the futher i fall down this hole its collapsing on me and smothering me until the ultimate end. I don't want to do that to you. My analogy i thought today was bizarre but this i will end with. I was like a tree, i grew and stood tall and flourish and plentiful. and then the weather affected me, and i began to fade. From there people doubted my worth. I was a target to remove. so i was cut down, branch by branch. Alas! i was sent to be recycled and I was ! I picked myself up time and time again! this was my cycle, I had this, and then in a swift moment I was think as paper and burnt to dust. to travel the air continuing into disintegrating smoke. I am the smoke of the past. my past. it burnt out. and the trail has faded. and now you can no longer feel it. only remembering my faults. I am not alone. many trees get cut down to the same extent. and for that the good people fade and the evil in this world prevails.
Saturday, 1 February 2020
Again we breathe, again we forgive. We are condemned. Are we to be sacrificed?
Who will decide?
You are the judge.
God may guide you but the arrow is in your hand. Pray as you wish but it is your hand the blood leaks from.
He hates me. The one I love hates me. Just my mere breathing frustrates him. But I am here. In my womb he grows. In my womb I believe he will die. I do not wish it I do not want it but I fail at all I do, why should I succeed at this? Somebody tell me how? My career is over, my reputation tarnished. I am only known for my faults.
All I have to give is love.
I’ve been told I’ll be the scum of earth or a parent. Him and me both. Why? Because we do not have money?
That my friends is no scum of earth.
Money is a lot of things but it is not love for one another. You don’t pay god to love you. You pray.
All he has to give is resentment. Hate and fear.
I understand it. I know it to be true. But I’m praying on that first kick and that first cry he will be blinded by unconditional love.
He says he’s worried I’ll murder the child in my anger. My anger is now controlled. I can be physically and mentally abused and walk away my head high with a smile. Because I am loved and I have love and I will give love.
True, you need more than love but love is always the essential. We are in this together because alone we have no fighting chance.
The day has been slow, the rain does not wish to pour. And my faith is falling asleep.
I haven’t showered I haven’t eaten. I feel nothing. I type nothing.
Here’s to a another night!
May we make it through unharmed and uncanny .
Bye for now xx