Saturday, 4 January 2020

My nightmare insomnia

You know what I think? 
I think I am alone and unloveable. I question so much, too much. I’m not who I am meant to be but I’m not meant to be anyone. 
This depression is humiliating. It’s constant and it’s frightening. These things just don’t go away. My mistakes my faults they can’t be undone. Do I believe the assaults were my fault? Absolutely. 100%. 
I put myself in that situation because I’m dying for another life I’m dying to fit in because I never have and never will and I do I accept that. I am nothing. I know that. My self worth is nonexistent. 
He loved me and told me it wasn’t my fault. He held me tight and told me how sorry he was it all had happened to me. 
He was on drugs and has never said either again. 

I’m so lost I don’t know where I am, every thought every movement shouldn’t have been. This was not meant for me. 

I hurt so many so I cut them off. The less now the less to mourn my loss. I’m not worthy tears. 
I made my bed and I lay awake and scream in my head. Sometimes allowing tears unless I’ve relied on medication to sedate me. I need to be forever sedated.  

Why am I like this? I’m possessed. I’m a fallen angel and my wings are burnt. 

I’m a cripple. My illnesses are my fault, they are what I deserve. All my physical pain all my mental pain. All I do is try to numb it. Any pill any remedy to take that symptom away for just a second is relief. But the thing is it’s all I’m chasing. I’m chasing relief. 
Relief from grief. 
Relief from pain. 
Relief from breathing. 
Relief from trying. 
Relief from living. 

My soul stands alone but my spirit set free to disintegration long ago. 

I am a sinner. 
I am scared. 
I need help but the help never helps. 

Building relationships only to destroy them by breathing. 
I am a monster. 
I am a nightmare. 
I am daytime deeper. 
I am suffering grace 

Until we meet again..... 

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