Friday, 31 January 2020

When you realise you’ve been breaking your own heart the entire time

It’s 3am and I’ve hurt another soul. The soul I love. I sit here alone and hate myself. WhTe new?
I’ve literally lost everything and had to start from scratch and no one can see that. Only bring me down or my failure.
Will I ever be good enough? Am I even worth it? What career am I meant to do? I’m sick of pretending. I’m sick of faking being okay when all I want to do is disappear. I hate my life. But I love. But I’ll lose.
What are we meant to do?

Then we know this is life. 
We all face these questions but when we do it feels so personal. A personal attack. Like we are the only ones to ever feel this. And personally that makes me feel worse like I’m pretending I’m worse off when other people are worse off so I feel guilty. So why is my pain any less to someone else’s regardless of situations. Pain is pain no matter what level. You grieve as long and however you need to. 

I feel I’m distracted in life. I’m behind I’m losing. But I’ve already lost. I keep letting up and keep trying only to fail. I start everything and finish nothing. I’m not meant to be anything. Knowledge is nothing hen you’ve thrown your life away too many times.
Why. Why did the doctors and surgeons resuscitate me? Why should I breathe this breathlessness of life. Why am I here? 
Why why why. Questions I will never get answers yet I’m so tormented. I feel I’m not going to amount to anything. I should just be locked up in a mental hospital and drugged for the rest of my pathetic life. 
When you can’t talk to your partner about your feelings. When he accuses you of turning his family against you because you’re reaching out for help. Where am I meant to turn without harming or ending my life. I’m the thoughts are there in my dreams. The end of the world looms but is it my end of life that looms? 
I see my psychiatrist this week. 
Thank Christ. But then I really him and I can’t bring up what to say. And if I say too much I’m detained. I walk a fine line leading no where but falling. 
So maybe I should just accept it. 
What do you think? How do you feel about your situation? 

Saturday, 4 January 2020

My nightmare insomnia

You know what I think? 
I think I am alone and unloveable. I question so much, too much. I’m not who I am meant to be but I’m not meant to be anyone. 
This depression is humiliating. It’s constant and it’s frightening. These things just don’t go away. My mistakes my faults they can’t be undone. Do I believe the assaults were my fault? Absolutely. 100%. 
I put myself in that situation because I’m dying for another life I’m dying to fit in because I never have and never will and I do I accept that. I am nothing. I know that. My self worth is nonexistent. 
He loved me and told me it wasn’t my fault. He held me tight and told me how sorry he was it all had happened to me. 
He was on drugs and has never said either again. 

I’m so lost I don’t know where I am, every thought every movement shouldn’t have been. This was not meant for me. 

I hurt so many so I cut them off. The less now the less to mourn my loss. I’m not worthy tears. 
I made my bed and I lay awake and scream in my head. Sometimes allowing tears unless I’ve relied on medication to sedate me. I need to be forever sedated.  

Why am I like this? I’m possessed. I’m a fallen angel and my wings are burnt. 

I’m a cripple. My illnesses are my fault, they are what I deserve. All my physical pain all my mental pain. All I do is try to numb it. Any pill any remedy to take that symptom away for just a second is relief. But the thing is it’s all I’m chasing. I’m chasing relief. 
Relief from grief. 
Relief from pain. 
Relief from breathing. 
Relief from trying. 
Relief from living. 

My soul stands alone but my spirit set free to disintegration long ago. 

I am a sinner. 
I am scared. 
I need help but the help never helps. 

Building relationships only to destroy them by breathing. 
I am a monster. 
I am a nightmare. 
I am daytime deeper. 
I am suffering grace 

Until we meet again.....