Sunday, 29 December 2019

I can't remember how to fly

I don't, I can't, I wish, I'm sorry.
I don't know who i am or who i have ever been. all i know is terror, betrayal, trauma and false love and accusations. I hurt everyone I think I love.
I think love is just a tool the devil uses over you to fuck your life up.
well he has done that again and again and again to me and i fear one day soon I will not take it anymore. I can't keep doing this.
all i do is embarrass myself with my anxiety, the things I say because of my depression and my emotional responses  to life because That is all i know. That is what ive had to teach myself to cope.

I let people down.
and I am alone.
I beg God to be by my side but he just watches. watches for me to destroy my life even more. Because even he knows I cannot be rectified so i must destroy everything in my path.
Tonight, i thought i fit in. I thought I could relate.
then to be broken down once again. and now? now i want nothing but this pain to end. I want the world to stop and to be dirt. to be dirt and forgotten because that what everyone wants.

i destroy people. i am a fake. i enchant the innocent but hurt the already hurting.
I am not strong. but my will is enough.
Gods will.
to die.
one day.

see why do i resort to this? one of my good psychiatrists told me to shut that door and to stop leaving that as an option. but that door swings open and i see the ease and results so fulfilling to me.

And that is how i destroy everyone's life. i need to escape this constant pain, this constant failure, this constant attempt of trying to be a normal person because i am never going to be and i need to stop trying and just to not talk. I should actually become a mute. It would make so many people more happy. but it would not mask my pain.

I just want to burst out to god my pain, but he knows it already.
this fight this war is never going to end. I think the devil could not torture me as much as this life already is. at least i wouldn't have to cut myself or overdose or beat my head against things or smash my body with stones. i would feel all the pain and the distraction would be eternity and i might just be up or that. because this? well this feels like eternity and im going round in circles.
i cant take this.
i cant.
no more, please i beg you. please.

the man i love feels nothing but mistrust for me, that i feel. i am nothing but a trap to him. ive destroyed not only my life but dragged his into it. when he leaves me it will not surprise me but will be the end of me. i will have nothing. i will become a ghost. no more pretending to love to care to be normal. to die inside. to be what i am. 

i fool so many. im so happy so caring. when really i am death. those i would get close to my entire life have either died or moved away. my entire childhood until i stopped trying to connect with people because this was my torture this was my pain and thought i tried to fit in with others i never could and never will.

why do i keep living? every fucking attempt im found and fail. he does not know when i tried to hang myself and two girls found me. it was a cruel was to go and everything flashed before my eyes as they were popping out of my face. no air. but thats how i feel anyway no air, well almost, its like the air is poison to me. its poison. I cannot breathe. and i do not believe my asthma has worsened i think it is purely my anxiety and depression. i feel like i cannot breathe. the air will not enter and i am suffocating.
suffocating but alive. with the tears falling down my face.
i am not coping obviously. but i wake up. from day horror to night mare terror. 

i dont want this. i dont want any of this.
i need to share this.
i need to help someone.
i need this to be worth something.

I need to be worth something.

One day, I will gain my wings, and maybe then I can fly away. 

im going to link my new youtube page to this. hang in there.

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