Saturday, 14 December 2019

Hello Darkness, my old friend *the blogging re-begins*

Where are we? and what are we? matter. but we don't really matter.

so its almost the end of 2019, and it has been the most painful and eventful year of my life. I hardly know where to begin.
First off, G'day to my very few poor readers that read my depressing rants. well done. I would pay you if I could, but alas I am bankrupt. Again an event this year. I am unloved, event this year, i lost my job, this year, ive been inn custody this year, 32 stitches this year (8 months clean). only admissions for mental health lasting  maybe a day or a night here and there this year, reported to police y many a time this year, miscarriage, love and loveless, heart broken, body broken, mind broken. so so so so so so much more! oh! i dont know where to begin? my semi journal scrapbook has been my comfort. 
How do I even go on? i cant even breathe without the pain of knives in my chest. I can't sleep from the nightmares that have plagued me my entire life. it will never end and I wonder will my life ever end. I don't really care anymore because Im already in hell and trying to make the most of it. As always, one day at a time.  

if you had not read this disturbing and depressing sadness of pity of a blog  in the past I do TRIGGER WARN you. its deep its dark. and i let lose. 
the world needs to know this darkness and the light needs to be shone upon it.

So, end of last year I was going down a severe cycle of despair and severe depression where I had planned to take my own life in a lethal way ive never tried. a part of me spoke, and told my doctor because my thoughts weren't changing and i needed saving before my mind committed itself. 
I was admitted the cities most famous and biggest and extreme oldest psychiatric facility 890km from my home town, that generally takes on the worst of the worst. I had evolved. i was numb. I saw no light. I was dead inside, o had nothing but my cat to keep me alive. I had no joy and no fulfillment, I had no reason. I had no one, and everyone I got to know left me within a matter of weeks. Desperate for love I searched to waste time and dance in a fantasy that was never going to happen to then deal with my disturbance inside me that scares the faint hearten (everyone ) away. If i could even call it home. My cat is my home, but I have no place otherwise to call safe and comforting. 
an extreme shock to my family who as usual blamed themselves when really they are only to blame for bringing me into this world I was never equipped for.
God is still teaching and working on me. its a very very slow progress. he gave me life, and ive hallucinated it from there. my mental stability was equipped in a high functionally way that I felt too much. I am an em-path. I see, I read and I feel. I understand. I appreciate.

Anyway, we have gotten off course! Argh my rambling. 
So, i was admitted for a month and  I just wanted out. I kept to myself, i read a few books, i showered i stayed within my demons. I sat in cold showers fully clothed and i wept for the life I should never have been given as i never had the sense to live it. I thought I was intelligent but as time went on i knew i was different and I knew there would be ongoing destruction and there was only the unknown to hang on to. 
Its a bit of a blurr to me now, as much of life has become. It seems Ive developed this mechanism when something traumatic happens depending what brain stems and neurons are functioning i black out. I dont know what else I did in the facility. but receive medication and therapy.
the mundane days continued and i kidded myself I was recovering. Time to myself, when really medication changes were sending me loopy, much enjoyed. much forgotten.

I am broken.
I am shattered glass. 
No amount of glue or expertise can affect me or *fix me*

what gets me and annoys me is that people, often the mundane and misunderstood think suicide is a cry for attention. its revenge on people, its angry people, its by mistake. 

I admit, that can be true. for simple people who really dont know what its like. to cut your wrists every night, to cry for 12 hours, to lie in bed for days without eating or showering,

Suicide, by depression. usually severe depression can go unnoticed. But often there is a sign, something is slipped to someone and the catch on is missed and that chance is lost and the decision committed.
Suicide, is seen and believed to be the only way to end this pain, your pain, your families pain, the worlds pain, your burdens. 
We just want the pain to stop.

A) This began for me with weight dysmorphea, awareness, comprehension and embarrassment. the jokes they stung. it began at age 11 in 2005, then depression pushed me over at 2006  - probably repeating myself here sorry guys, so yes i began cutting, this time across the street. wearing a dozen bracelets to cover it. Music to soothe my soul. my rebellion began and the destruction enhanced. I was the size of a fat child, I was not the pretty type, I was not educated in these areas, I had no teacher and no mentor. even at age 26 I look like a child because I dont have these skills, I embarrass myself trying and I am not ever going to be one of those stunning girls everyone idolizes. mental health destroyed that opportunity.

ill finish A)  another blog.

back to semi attempt of an update to from november 2018 to February 2019. 
After my month admission when i met two amazing men in my life. One a lover (who used me) and the other a true caring friend. this boy from my town related to me well and it was so nice to have someone familiar, i did not feel so alone. we got closer and closer and our relationship gew until we were together as many hours a day we were allowed as we had curfews due to boy on girl contact etc.
we were the best of friends and i thought that was my life. i could make relationships that would be meaningful. I thought i felt understood, i thought i felt something other than pain. sure I had breakdowns, but someone cared. i wasn't alone anymore.

we planned to be released the same day and we returned to our home town.
we caught up that evening and everyday for the next 2 weeks. I was having feelings where he refused and used me as a tool. a manipulative fuck. I allowed it, because i wanted to be wanted. i wanted it so hard, i wanted my reason and it could have worked so perfectly. the cuddles I had never had, the conversations, the same humour, the likeness. it was bliss. until I had my holiday to A beach holiday destination in a state 4 hour flight away. 

i fell down. my friends influence at first was welcomed and we bonded like sparklers shining and spitting so star like. we were perfect together. sisters perhaps. 
but she had this goal. her goal was to have a one night stand. 
so every night we become over intoxicated and my depression did not appreciate that but i became addicted as for a minute here and there i could live and sometimes forget. 
my bliss was tanning. that felt good.
but the drinking, my heavy prescriptions medications mixed was psychotic stated of blankness. suicide always on my mind. self harm hugely on mind and wanting. but I pushed through talking to the boy. constantly texting and on the phone. so surely not me being used?
eventually the group of boys we got to know at the hotel found me of depressing and full on. no shocker though, so i retreated into my depression more so and functioned within myself. sleeping around has never and will never be my thing. i had many many offers but no, i was committed to this boy I thought I was seeing, this boy who was my world, who had become my friend ended up being sexually assulted on our last night and I was sharpening knives psychotically ready to murder the mofo. Knowing all to well how it is to be sexually abused. and i suppose my anger of my attacks and rapes haunts me to a degree i cant let anyone understand to the details. I've tried but to me it sounds like it was nothing. like im making a big deal over nothing. Only one soul has ever held me tight and said that should never have happened. He was high on drugs though and confessed his love (boyfriend at time) never to speak it again, never to hold me like that again. confirming in my mind i was over exacerbating it. 
so i sat on the balcony for most of the knives i had collected and tormented the gang below by sharpening the knives and stabbing and destroying the thick plastic chairs. my anger grows strength. this strength i cannot access for myself in my assault situations as I freeze. few understand the freezing and why i 'let ' it happen. i may talk about these assaults far far later if interested?

so leaving the next morning, as usual talking to my boy constantly up until i boarded the plane. the whole time planning and so excited to see him that night, it was all planned out! then we were going to the pageant the next day! i was so so excited as i finally had a friend..... or so i thought. 
so I arrive at my destination. and no messages. no replies no nothing. so I send various messages desperately trying to get in touch becomming increasingly concerned. eventually three hours later after visiting my dying Grandfather in hospital, very upset I really needed his comfort. so when i went to get tea on the way home I rang him, and he answered. I joked and said"well look who it is thought you might be dead"
and he responded in a slurry voice "i tried".
i cried. I was panicking. my heart was beating out of my chest. I had been off phone service for 4 hours! why would he do that within 4 hours? what had happened? what if I had been talking to him, what if I wasnt on the plane. I could of stopped it and I felt completely responsible and my body shutdown and i was a mute the entire drive home.
I. was. a. mess.

this chapter B) of the above destruction story of end of 2018 shall be continuned in future. 

You will defiantly want to stay tuned as it gets uglier, horribly disastrous  and life ending ;;;;

In due course,
to continue

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