Friday, 20 December 2019

Christmas Zombie

They don't understand. They don't know the depths of despair we are paddling in.
They see lights, we see darkness.
The expectation.
Happy, joyful. bright, blessed, love, together, not forgotten.
WE try and want to accept that expectation but its not logical for us. We try so hard. But those feelings, those emotions - they are fake and short lived.
And when anything is short lived it leaves a deeper hole every year.

It is this time of the year many people feel all too strongly some of the emotions i have mentioned above and those people could not cope and chose to end their lives so their family and friends can have a better Christmas without you bring there to bring everyone Down or anyone. After all, we only see ourselves as burdens.

I pray you get through this Christmas and new year, and know you are not alone.

Oh! new year! bloody hell. Just what we want, false hope and fake beginnings that next year will be our year! 
we say this every year and wow it gets worse. like how is that even possible?

Holidays are such a tough time and we need to focus on our coping mechanisms. none but blogging come to mind right now.

In case you couldn't tell, I had a long, awful day at work for a close someone to argue with the above as must everything I say or do be an argument to put me down and show me how stupid and attention seeking I am.
Anyway as if being yelled at customers wasn't enough now being blatantly ignored and crying for two hours, he hasn't said a word. why? Because he honesty does not care. Most likely because he can have some time to himself away from me. Getting satisfaction that Im a mess. My mind is on fire and the internal pain is relentless. 

I am so lost. 
This time last year (the story I am yet to continune) i had been in hospital for 3 months. and Christmas was terrifying. Being around people with all their bullshit emotions, putting on the show because that is whats expected from society.  
I went home that day and decided to go back early. It was so overwhelming. People living these lives! is it possible ? Like how? Why the fuck can't I be like that???

I try, we try. And I wonder every day will I ever or ill we ever be good enough? For love? for happiness? purpose? and for life????

normal people will laugh at this post and report me to my psychiatrist. FYI in the middle of changing one actually. 
But those out there that read this and understand. I hope you can feel something. Feel like your voice is heard because it is. we made it last year and the years before, whats what one more? we got this right?

This all started when I posted something on Facebook today. I haven't checked the replies yet because ill just get shot down.
So I posted, "can people please stop sending me Christmas videos and bullshit because you may be having a good Christmas but there are some of us that are not.

Some of us were reported for serious misconduct to which was false but we lost our job anyway, some of us had miscarriages, lost partners, lost family, lost hope. Some of us were hospitalised and sedated. some reported to police for various things, our best friends died and they didnt reach out to you, you moved towns because of victimization and gossip. You became broke. centrelink wouldn't help you. 

Oh and don't even get me started on Anorexia Nervosa relapses, gains and troubles. fuck.

SSOOOOO many things??!!!! comment what went wrong for you?? let it out!

I am logging off now, as iv stopped crying but the night will not get better. It never does. Hence my moon tattoo indicated its always darkest before the dawn.

someone? anyone out there?

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