Tuesday, 24 December 2019

Christmas Eve, you do deceive

Here we are another year. This time last year I was on day leave deciding my battle of life. It was strenuous but I dare not shadow my siblings birthday. 
But you are right in a way though not a shadow but thick tar that clogs pipes yet to disintergrate. 
I am worthless. I am honestly still depressed and I act feelings but right now? Right now I don’t feel alive. I feel on a cloud. Unfortunately not dead but definitely a cloud of some kind... maybe cumulonimbus. 

What am I saying? Am I saying I’m still suicidal? I don’t know, do I see moments as they happen and think if I just turned low, drove forward, stepped out, fell off, cut, drank, hung and took. I could know death. But no one knows death. We only know resurrection when Christ returns to judge us on how we could not cope with our pain though he died on the cross and suffered and died for our sins and here we are slapping him in the face. 

That’s damnation. 

So does that make life a game? We are all in a play. We are worst then Spielberg or Stephen King could condour up. 

I should consider my will but what do I care for this world ? Actually I know where my will is. And I might go rewrite it after this post of despair. 

I don’t want Christmas and don’t feel joy and don’t want life and I don’t want to celebrate. 

I believe in Christ. And pray for him. And to him. 

So that I’m not alone. And yet though he is with me I am alone and numb. My head is so puffed right now. I’m not drunk, yes drugged but legally. I am boring and no fun and people pity and spend time with me. No one says hello to me so I build this new life. 

It’s all going so well with him. He almost loves me, it’s so close. And then the dreaded happens and it’s put out of his mind. All apart of how he is wondering how to get rid of me.  

And so I sit here crying while he drifts off to never land. A place I can only dream of!!!
Oh to have a pleasant dream!!!
To not cry when you wake up! To not scream! To know where you up when you wake up. To be loved. 

Unfortunately, I don’t feel I’ll know those things from non biologicals. In fact I know this. 
People spread love all the time but they know not of what they speak. 

I know not of what I speak or to who I speak with. 

I have so much yet so little. I feel I’m going to vomit, puke whatever but hey now I’m so fat I can’t fit into any of my clothes. 

I’m a pig but aiming for happiness. Anorexia offers that as well as binge eating. 

I keep talking now because I don’t want to go to sleep. Because I know I’ll only wake up in this mess again. It’s not going to change. And he hates me. 
I hate me. 

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