Sunday, 29 December 2019

I can't remember how to fly

I don't, I can't, I wish, I'm sorry.
I don't know who i am or who i have ever been. all i know is terror, betrayal, trauma and false love and accusations. I hurt everyone I think I love.
I think love is just a tool the devil uses over you to fuck your life up.
well he has done that again and again and again to me and i fear one day soon I will not take it anymore. I can't keep doing this.
all i do is embarrass myself with my anxiety, the things I say because of my depression and my emotional responses  to life because That is all i know. That is what ive had to teach myself to cope.

I let people down.
and I am alone.
I beg God to be by my side but he just watches. watches for me to destroy my life even more. Because even he knows I cannot be rectified so i must destroy everything in my path.
Tonight, i thought i fit in. I thought I could relate.
then to be broken down once again. and now? now i want nothing but this pain to end. I want the world to stop and to be dirt. to be dirt and forgotten because that what everyone wants.

i destroy people. i am a fake. i enchant the innocent but hurt the already hurting.
I am not strong. but my will is enough.
Gods will.
to die.
one day.

see why do i resort to this? one of my good psychiatrists told me to shut that door and to stop leaving that as an option. but that door swings open and i see the ease and results so fulfilling to me.

And that is how i destroy everyone's life. i need to escape this constant pain, this constant failure, this constant attempt of trying to be a normal person because i am never going to be and i need to stop trying and just to not talk. I should actually become a mute. It would make so many people more happy. but it would not mask my pain.

I just want to burst out to god my pain, but he knows it already.
this fight this war is never going to end. I think the devil could not torture me as much as this life already is. at least i wouldn't have to cut myself or overdose or beat my head against things or smash my body with stones. i would feel all the pain and the distraction would be eternity and i might just be up or that. because this? well this feels like eternity and im going round in circles.
i cant take this.
i cant.
no more, please i beg you. please.

the man i love feels nothing but mistrust for me, that i feel. i am nothing but a trap to him. ive destroyed not only my life but dragged his into it. when he leaves me it will not surprise me but will be the end of me. i will have nothing. i will become a ghost. no more pretending to love to care to be normal. to die inside. to be what i am. 

i fool so many. im so happy so caring. when really i am death. those i would get close to my entire life have either died or moved away. my entire childhood until i stopped trying to connect with people because this was my torture this was my pain and thought i tried to fit in with others i never could and never will.

why do i keep living? every fucking attempt im found and fail. he does not know when i tried to hang myself and two girls found me. it was a cruel was to go and everything flashed before my eyes as they were popping out of my face. no air. but thats how i feel anyway no air, well almost, its like the air is poison to me. its poison. I cannot breathe. and i do not believe my asthma has worsened i think it is purely my anxiety and depression. i feel like i cannot breathe. the air will not enter and i am suffocating.
suffocating but alive. with the tears falling down my face.
i am not coping obviously. but i wake up. from day horror to night mare terror. 

i dont want this. i dont want any of this.
i need to share this.
i need to help someone.
i need this to be worth something.

I need to be worth something.

One day, I will gain my wings, and maybe then I can fly away. 

im going to link my new youtube page to this. hang in there.

Tuesday, 24 December 2019

Christmas Eve, you do deceive

Here we are another year. This time last year I was on day leave deciding my battle of life. It was strenuous but I dare not shadow my siblings birthday. 
But you are right in a way though not a shadow but thick tar that clogs pipes yet to disintergrate. 
I am worthless. I am honestly still depressed and I act feelings but right now? Right now I don’t feel alive. I feel on a cloud. Unfortunately not dead but definitely a cloud of some kind... maybe cumulonimbus. 

What am I saying? Am I saying I’m still suicidal? I don’t know, do I see moments as they happen and think if I just turned low, drove forward, stepped out, fell off, cut, drank, hung and took. I could know death. But no one knows death. We only know resurrection when Christ returns to judge us on how we could not cope with our pain though he died on the cross and suffered and died for our sins and here we are slapping him in the face. 

That’s damnation. 

So does that make life a game? We are all in a play. We are worst then Spielberg or Stephen King could condour up. 

I should consider my will but what do I care for this world ? Actually I know where my will is. And I might go rewrite it after this post of despair. 

I don’t want Christmas and don’t feel joy and don’t want life and I don’t want to celebrate. 

I believe in Christ. And pray for him. And to him. 

So that I’m not alone. And yet though he is with me I am alone and numb. My head is so puffed right now. I’m not drunk, yes drugged but legally. I am boring and no fun and people pity and spend time with me. No one says hello to me so I build this new life. 

It’s all going so well with him. He almost loves me, it’s so close. And then the dreaded happens and it’s put out of his mind. All apart of how he is wondering how to get rid of me.  

And so I sit here crying while he drifts off to never land. A place I can only dream of!!!
Oh to have a pleasant dream!!!
To not cry when you wake up! To not scream! To know where you up when you wake up. To be loved. 

Unfortunately, I don’t feel I’ll know those things from non biologicals. In fact I know this. 
People spread love all the time but they know not of what they speak. 

I know not of what I speak or to who I speak with. 

I have so much yet so little. I feel I’m going to vomit, puke whatever but hey now I’m so fat I can’t fit into any of my clothes. 

I’m a pig but aiming for happiness. Anorexia offers that as well as binge eating. 

I keep talking now because I don’t want to go to sleep. Because I know I’ll only wake up in this mess again. It’s not going to change. And he hates me. 
I hate me. 

Friday, 20 December 2019

Christmas Zombie

They don't understand. They don't know the depths of despair we are paddling in.
They see lights, we see darkness.
The expectation.
Happy, joyful. bright, blessed, love, together, not forgotten.
WE try and want to accept that expectation but its not logical for us. We try so hard. But those feelings, those emotions - they are fake and short lived.
And when anything is short lived it leaves a deeper hole every year.

It is this time of the year many people feel all too strongly some of the emotions i have mentioned above and those people could not cope and chose to end their lives so their family and friends can have a better Christmas without you bring there to bring everyone Down or anyone. After all, we only see ourselves as burdens.

I pray you get through this Christmas and new year, and know you are not alone.

Oh! new year! bloody hell. Just what we want, false hope and fake beginnings that next year will be our year! 
we say this every year and wow it gets worse. like how is that even possible?

Holidays are such a tough time and we need to focus on our coping mechanisms. none but blogging come to mind right now.

In case you couldn't tell, I had a long, awful day at work for a close someone to argue with the above as must everything I say or do be an argument to put me down and show me how stupid and attention seeking I am.
Anyway as if being yelled at customers wasn't enough now being blatantly ignored and crying for two hours, he hasn't said a word. why? Because he honesty does not care. Most likely because he can have some time to himself away from me. Getting satisfaction that Im a mess. My mind is on fire and the internal pain is relentless. 

I am so lost. 
This time last year (the story I am yet to continune) i had been in hospital for 3 months. and Christmas was terrifying. Being around people with all their bullshit emotions, putting on the show because that is whats expected from society.  
I went home that day and decided to go back early. It was so overwhelming. People living these lives! is it possible ? Like how? Why the fuck can't I be like that???

I try, we try. And I wonder every day will I ever or ill we ever be good enough? For love? for happiness? purpose? and for life????

normal people will laugh at this post and report me to my psychiatrist. FYI in the middle of changing one actually. 
But those out there that read this and understand. I hope you can feel something. Feel like your voice is heard because it is. we made it last year and the years before, whats what one more? we got this right?

This all started when I posted something on Facebook today. I haven't checked the replies yet because ill just get shot down.
So I posted, "can people please stop sending me Christmas videos and bullshit because you may be having a good Christmas but there are some of us that are not.

Some of us were reported for serious misconduct to which was false but we lost our job anyway, some of us had miscarriages, lost partners, lost family, lost hope. Some of us were hospitalised and sedated. some reported to police for various things, our best friends died and they didnt reach out to you, you moved towns because of victimization and gossip. You became broke. centrelink wouldn't help you. 

Oh and don't even get me started on Anorexia Nervosa relapses, gains and troubles. fuck.

SSOOOOO many things??!!!! comment what went wrong for you?? let it out!

I am logging off now, as iv stopped crying but the night will not get better. It never does. Hence my moon tattoo indicated its always darkest before the dawn.

someone? anyone out there?

Saturday, 14 December 2019

Hello Darkness, my old friend *the blogging re-begins*

Where are we? and what are we? matter. but we don't really matter.

so its almost the end of 2019, and it has been the most painful and eventful year of my life. I hardly know where to begin.
First off, G'day to my very few poor readers that read my depressing rants. well done. I would pay you if I could, but alas I am bankrupt. Again an event this year. I am unloved, event this year, i lost my job, this year, ive been inn custody this year, 32 stitches this year (8 months clean). only admissions for mental health lasting  maybe a day or a night here and there this year, reported to police y many a time this year, miscarriage, love and loveless, heart broken, body broken, mind broken. so so so so so so much more! oh! i dont know where to begin? my semi journal scrapbook has been my comfort. 
How do I even go on? i cant even breathe without the pain of knives in my chest. I can't sleep from the nightmares that have plagued me my entire life. it will never end and I wonder will my life ever end. I don't really care anymore because Im already in hell and trying to make the most of it. As always, one day at a time.  

if you had not read this disturbing and depressing sadness of pity of a blog  in the past I do TRIGGER WARN you. its deep its dark. and i let lose. 
the world needs to know this darkness and the light needs to be shone upon it.

So, end of last year I was going down a severe cycle of despair and severe depression where I had planned to take my own life in a lethal way ive never tried. a part of me spoke, and told my doctor because my thoughts weren't changing and i needed saving before my mind committed itself. 
I was admitted the cities most famous and biggest and extreme oldest psychiatric facility 890km from my home town, that generally takes on the worst of the worst. I had evolved. i was numb. I saw no light. I was dead inside, o had nothing but my cat to keep me alive. I had no joy and no fulfillment, I had no reason. I had no one, and everyone I got to know left me within a matter of weeks. Desperate for love I searched to waste time and dance in a fantasy that was never going to happen to then deal with my disturbance inside me that scares the faint hearten (everyone ) away. If i could even call it home. My cat is my home, but I have no place otherwise to call safe and comforting. 
an extreme shock to my family who as usual blamed themselves when really they are only to blame for bringing me into this world I was never equipped for.
God is still teaching and working on me. its a very very slow progress. he gave me life, and ive hallucinated it from there. my mental stability was equipped in a high functionally way that I felt too much. I am an em-path. I see, I read and I feel. I understand. I appreciate.

Anyway, we have gotten off course! Argh my rambling. 
So, i was admitted for a month and  I just wanted out. I kept to myself, i read a few books, i showered i stayed within my demons. I sat in cold showers fully clothed and i wept for the life I should never have been given as i never had the sense to live it. I thought I was intelligent but as time went on i knew i was different and I knew there would be ongoing destruction and there was only the unknown to hang on to. 
Its a bit of a blurr to me now, as much of life has become. It seems Ive developed this mechanism when something traumatic happens depending what brain stems and neurons are functioning i black out. I dont know what else I did in the facility. but receive medication and therapy.
the mundane days continued and i kidded myself I was recovering. Time to myself, when really medication changes were sending me loopy, much enjoyed. much forgotten.

I am broken.
I am shattered glass. 
No amount of glue or expertise can affect me or *fix me*

what gets me and annoys me is that people, often the mundane and misunderstood think suicide is a cry for attention. its revenge on people, its angry people, its by mistake. 

I admit, that can be true. for simple people who really dont know what its like. to cut your wrists every night, to cry for 12 hours, to lie in bed for days without eating or showering,

Suicide, by depression. usually severe depression can go unnoticed. But often there is a sign, something is slipped to someone and the catch on is missed and that chance is lost and the decision committed.
Suicide, is seen and believed to be the only way to end this pain, your pain, your families pain, the worlds pain, your burdens. 
We just want the pain to stop.

A) This began for me with weight dysmorphea, awareness, comprehension and embarrassment. the jokes they stung. it began at age 11 in 2005, then depression pushed me over at 2006  - probably repeating myself here sorry guys, so yes i began cutting, this time across the street. wearing a dozen bracelets to cover it. Music to soothe my soul. my rebellion began and the destruction enhanced. I was the size of a fat child, I was not the pretty type, I was not educated in these areas, I had no teacher and no mentor. even at age 26 I look like a child because I dont have these skills, I embarrass myself trying and I am not ever going to be one of those stunning girls everyone idolizes. mental health destroyed that opportunity.

ill finish A)  another blog.

back to semi attempt of an update to from november 2018 to February 2019. 
After my month admission when i met two amazing men in my life. One a lover (who used me) and the other a true caring friend. this boy from my town related to me well and it was so nice to have someone familiar, i did not feel so alone. we got closer and closer and our relationship gew until we were together as many hours a day we were allowed as we had curfews due to boy on girl contact etc.
we were the best of friends and i thought that was my life. i could make relationships that would be meaningful. I thought i felt understood, i thought i felt something other than pain. sure I had breakdowns, but someone cared. i wasn't alone anymore.

we planned to be released the same day and we returned to our home town.
we caught up that evening and everyday for the next 2 weeks. I was having feelings where he refused and used me as a tool. a manipulative fuck. I allowed it, because i wanted to be wanted. i wanted it so hard, i wanted my reason and it could have worked so perfectly. the cuddles I had never had, the conversations, the same humour, the likeness. it was bliss. until I had my holiday to A beach holiday destination in a state 4 hour flight away. 

i fell down. my friends influence at first was welcomed and we bonded like sparklers shining and spitting so star like. we were perfect together. sisters perhaps. 
but she had this goal. her goal was to have a one night stand. 
so every night we become over intoxicated and my depression did not appreciate that but i became addicted as for a minute here and there i could live and sometimes forget. 
my bliss was tanning. that felt good.
but the drinking, my heavy prescriptions medications mixed was psychotic stated of blankness. suicide always on my mind. self harm hugely on mind and wanting. but I pushed through talking to the boy. constantly texting and on the phone. so surely not me being used?
eventually the group of boys we got to know at the hotel found me of depressing and full on. no shocker though, so i retreated into my depression more so and functioned within myself. sleeping around has never and will never be my thing. i had many many offers but no, i was committed to this boy I thought I was seeing, this boy who was my world, who had become my friend ended up being sexually assulted on our last night and I was sharpening knives psychotically ready to murder the mofo. Knowing all to well how it is to be sexually abused. and i suppose my anger of my attacks and rapes haunts me to a degree i cant let anyone understand to the details. I've tried but to me it sounds like it was nothing. like im making a big deal over nothing. Only one soul has ever held me tight and said that should never have happened. He was high on drugs though and confessed his love (boyfriend at time) never to speak it again, never to hold me like that again. confirming in my mind i was over exacerbating it. 
so i sat on the balcony for most of the knives i had collected and tormented the gang below by sharpening the knives and stabbing and destroying the thick plastic chairs. my anger grows strength. this strength i cannot access for myself in my assault situations as I freeze. few understand the freezing and why i 'let ' it happen. i may talk about these assaults far far later if interested?

so leaving the next morning, as usual talking to my boy constantly up until i boarded the plane. the whole time planning and so excited to see him that night, it was all planned out! then we were going to the pageant the next day! i was so so excited as i finally had a friend..... or so i thought. 
so I arrive at my destination. and no messages. no replies no nothing. so I send various messages desperately trying to get in touch becomming increasingly concerned. eventually three hours later after visiting my dying Grandfather in hospital, very upset I really needed his comfort. so when i went to get tea on the way home I rang him, and he answered. I joked and said"well look who it is thought you might be dead"
and he responded in a slurry voice "i tried".
i cried. I was panicking. my heart was beating out of my chest. I had been off phone service for 4 hours! why would he do that within 4 hours? what had happened? what if I had been talking to him, what if I wasnt on the plane. I could of stopped it and I felt completely responsible and my body shutdown and i was a mute the entire drive home.
I. was. a. mess.

this chapter B) of the above destruction story of end of 2018 shall be continuned in future. 

You will defiantly want to stay tuned as it gets uglier, horribly disastrous  and life ending ;;;;

In due course,
to continue