Sunday, 21 April 2019

The facade of emotion we all desire

Here we are yet again. I get my hopes up so quick to be shut down. I question have I ever been happy? What does that even mean? I’m drowning under this surface of guilt and lies. No one can save me because I won’t reach out. I will not take the hand reaching out for me. This is me and what I must do. Used and abused. I should know by now that I am destined to be alone and dreams of healthy relationships are but a fairy tale. But I love fairy tales.... well I did until I realised this world is as bitter as I don’t know whatever ever is bitter, wrong, harsh, full of hope, full of useless revolutionary ideas, adapting medicine and knowledge. What will become of us? No one will remember me in 100 years. Do I even want to be remembered? Am I worthy to think about? I’m I worth your yome? The obvious and saddening answer is no. I feel crushed. It’s Easter and I’ve been home alone avoiding asthma triggers trying to avoid my anorexia. Dying slowly. Cracked down a kg. I’m committed to my self destruction. People are more ill than me and live and function so I just need to focus. Please myself. This is what I want and all I have to hang on to and grip to. It’s true, no one wants me. We’ve known this for a long time because I am not of this Earth. I was not sent to be here. An error, a mistake in an advanced century. I can’t take much more of this. I just want someone to want me but it’s always me chasing those who couldn’t care less about me. Proves how disgusting I am. So I need to lose. I need to prove my control. I need to disappear. I do not have an eating disorder. I’m just a girl lost within the mind of demons

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