Tuesday, 9 April 2019

Spins and twirls

Here’s my insta pot from @saz.vents

ou don’t see what I see. You can’t comprehend the things I know. Do I believe I was meant for this world? Well, I’m unsure. I know my purpose here. My dimensions lead me other lives. Previous? Ancestorial? I don’t know yet but it’s always family related. I don’t need to travel because at night I leave this body and this world. I could tell you the meaning of life, but you wouldn’t believe me. Because who am I to claim these things? Just a simple girl in a simple world..... anyone notice the irony of that statement? ——


Here we are again.. alone and in the dark. Night is my time. It’s always been my time. When the waves crash and the nightmares begin. Literally. Sad songs are not sad enough because no words can detain to explain this explanation. Night is the night of terrors where we must be strong . But I am not strong. I am and have always been in encampment of this terror, now my fear, it burns. 


I am lost in worlds in words and dimensions. Every morning I wake up not knowing where I am this time. I don’t expect to wake up most nights. The nightmares terrors and paralysis occur all night not just REM sleep etc. I feel like I’m possessed. I am by my soul. But I feel it’s multiple souls and therefore I must live multiple lives , go down others pasts. The dead they find me and feel my nurture from numbness. They send messages. They send warnings. The demons try to possess and get you to cross them over. I have only come to this realisation in the last few weeks on investigations of my life experiences might not have been so crazy and unintentional at all but planned by possession. But then again that could be an example definition of mental health. 


I understand and  well aware everything I just said makes me sound crazy. And I am. Completely. I don’t know what to believe anymore because the crazy things just happen and any possibility is possible. I’m just trying to make sense of what scares me and what I can’t control. 


All my life I’ve walked this path that has made me stand out yet fly under radar. I am of decent. And I’ve seen things I cannot repeat. Ive felt I’ve smelt. 

I love my family.

I’m sorry I forever and have akways hurt and destroy them. And I continue to do so. 


I’m afraid, so afraid of Satan, of myself, of being eRth bound for all of eternity. 

Yes I overthink the overthinkable. 


But I learn new things everyday. I love books, I live history. I’m repulsed by so much. 

I believe I want an intimate relationship but also accept the fact that that may not be possible for me. People either die it leave. Always leave. Trust is not an option. 

The time I have left in this life to cherish is the years I’m spending with my precious soul mate/ familiar- my cat. He owns my heart and soul. Our bond it hurts. I fear his death and already cry about it. I cry for my previous pets and I wish I could of done something. I should have done something. 


If I knew things. If I was or had been smarter I could have saved you. You could still be with me Nana. Ryan I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. You were my baby and I cherished your feral little being. 

I cry for myself because I am not anyone. My personality remains irritable to then match the persons around me. Embracing their energy because I produce none myself. I am ashes. 


I’ve stayed up and now my nightmares will be worse but if I go to bed early they are worse again. I’m scared for their is no peace there is no hope. I breathe each minute and put on a smile so I can try to convince myself I am someone worthwhile. I am what you make me. What you possess me to be.


I see you and I see nothing. 

I feel eternal loneliness though I know God is with me but Satan is close behind. I am not protected and I have gone insane. 

I’m broken. 

I’m tired. 

And I know this vicious cycle is never going to end because my work will never leave this earth.! Am bound to unfinished business because I will never be perfect. I’ll never he good enough.

Storm before the calm? 

Darkness before the dawn?

No. 

This dark storm? This is my being. It’s not a life or event, it’s not who I am - I am but a droplet of gas exchange. I breathe oxygen but does it reach the lobes it needs to to function?


Mind over matter? Mate just fuck off. 


Ana? We will discuss tomorrow. How I deny and hide her within. 


For now my pretties. Embrace yourself and have faith for you are the key to your own existence. Don’t be controlled. Just be you xx

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