Wednesday, 17 April 2019

Just not good enough.

I’m not enough. I can try harder. I can eat less. I can be enough. I’ve done it before I can do it again but this time be smart. 2 exams tomorrow and I question the use of coffee. I’m questioning all calories. My reflux continues. I’m so dehydrated but refuse to drink resource or fortisip. That’s a fail. Coke no sugar is my nutrition. What am I doing to myself?? I’m becoming better. I will be a better person. I’ll be more efficient and prove myself. No more money spent on food or drink. What a waste. 
I do wonder the more weight I lose will my bowel prolapse get worse or better? Because the less I weigh and the amount of medication I’m on the surgeon will reject me. But I need to be smaller. The thoughts consume. I have to be good at something I need to prove myself. 
My asthma won’t let me exercise especially being winter fuck. Not like I have the time. Sleep is more important. 
Please god help me pass my exams. Give me confidence and please let them notice how unwell I am. Attention seeking yes but I need sympathy to pass because I’m just that  pathetic. 
The pharmacy gave me the wrong movicol because they were ‘out of stock’ so I got the generic which is not my normal flavour free and add cordial so this is lemon lime and I added lemon cordial and it’s gross as! Yuck! Tried to drink 500mLs but only managed 250mL. Disgusting! 
So tired. Tomorrow will be a big day and I’m so worried I’m going to fuck it up again but oh well not much I can do about it. 

I feel so alone. Because I am. I crave companionship but I’m not mentally designed for that. I want to be but would love this fat fuck? Easter is going to kill me. 
Work is exercise at least and time to study my favourite topics!! 
Deciding where I want to do my placements. 
I know what I want and if that’s how I coped with my first job this way then I’m fine. Still not good enough. Long way to go but I need the control. I’m doing this for me because I have nothing else . I see in the mirror progress but not perfection. 
I need perfection 

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