Sunday, 7 April 2019

Heaven can’t help me now

You know I’m through. I’m spinning in despair. I don’t know who I am so I cling to the one thing I know. Mental illness. I pray to God, to Jesus, to say I’m sorry begging for forgiveness for the things I continue to do. I am not worthy of this life I lead. I’m isolating my already isolated life, this way I can confide with no one but myself. It’s so much easier to manipulate than to divulge. Heaven won’t save me now. I’m so in control and yet things are slipping... the perfectionism I deny returns in variation. I’m a lie of energy only encaptured from others. I wake up feeling like I majorly overdosed which in universal travel matches. I don’t know what to say. I’m so lost and yet found and seen by few. I am here but I’m not present. I can’t confide. I can’t but I must. I can’t do this again but I need to. God I need to!!!! This is my path and I’m going to crawl my way over the dead decaying bodies and trust my abilities and ? - blog extension

Where do I begin? I am so sorry to do this to you again to put you through this. But have no fear I will not leave you. 

I’m scared but I can’t stop. Honestly it for the best and it’s my path. I can hide and glide or seek . I chose to hide but the appearance is begging to be noticed and suspected. My knowledge still present. This i cannot hide but play the game through lies and faking. I see it I know it all too well. I know the risks the severe already consequences and yet I deny their existence much the same as I do to myself. 

I truely believe nursing is my purpose and I will forefill it because I know enough naturopathy, pharmacology and pathophysiology and intuition of what my body requires. I am in control. I am a hipocrite but hey I want to help others not myself.

The starving keeps me awake the fluids unbalance me they drain me . My eyes they are red and puffy. But I am intelligent. If I could accomplish high school, 7 years in pharmacy and 5 years in aged care.... yes hospitalisations and sevete self harm and suicide attempts so really I shouldn’t claim this but you know if I can survive it all once I can do. I just need to control my control. I’ve got the extensive therapy knowledge and experience I technically have a PhD in psychology. Not like it’s hard. It’s actually very very simple. 

And now I’m up late sleeping with my children’s pull ups incase I’m incontinent from this bowel prolapse I am making wore day by day. Tomorrow I stop. Tomorrow no food, pure liquid. I cannot exacerbate this prolapse please god it even appears when I void. I’m scared and the surgery might not happen due to my weight and what happens when I get tubed? 

So I have a doctors appointment tomorrow regarding referrals to surgeons and my regular mental health whatever. He knows me too well and I will refuse the scales. Ecause wzter loafing scares me. Water loading...... how is that scary! Obviously it’s your only option to not reach admission criteria and I need my potassium tablets again. I’m fucked tomorrow unless my psychiatrist hasn’t emailed him yet? I really don’t know what I’m walking into.... I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stay asleep. Nothing helps. My insomnia only leads to my psychosis and unintentional self harm because it’s accepted in my psychotic glued mind that it’s required.. 

who am I?

Why couldn’t I be normal ? But I class normal and intelligence in people with manageable mental health due to compliance, acceptance and strength. Where are we now and where must we go? Our path comes to an end of doors and from here we continue between these doors of reality, existence and hope. 

I do not know about what you ‘normal’ people call feelings like yes o understand happy sad etc they are black and white and stone age engrsved in our brains. But love? Despair? Hopelessness? These are all things we have witnessed and taught ourselves to help us express and describe who we think we might be and perhaps how to understand others? Does anyone want to understand others? Majority no, but I see one and know, feel and sense their imagined self taught badly expressed ‘feelings’ . Not trying to deny these things I just believe there are huge differences to emotions and feelings. And to connect them is confusing for some or entangled all wrong. Black and white. White is clear, viewed and seen while Black is possibility of unknown aka yes or no. 

I must stop here. For my mind does not stop. The neurons ate firing and I have no hope but for another awful night. Nothing lasts and what really do we have to look forward to and really why do we bother? Do we care? Is reproduction the only hope of change. And with the futuristic changes of the determinants of health we are all completely fucked. So here I go. As usual, one breath st a time and wait. Wait to ‘sleep’ and desire to stay that way and desire to wake refreshed and motivated. 

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