Sunday, 21 April 2019
Wednesday, 17 April 2019
Monday, 15 April 2019
Tuesday, 9 April 2019
ou don’t see what I see. You can’t comprehend the things I know. Do I believe I was meant for this world? Well, I’m unsure. I know my purpose here. My dimensions lead me other lives. Previous? Ancestorial? I don’t know yet but it’s always family related. I don’t need to travel because at night I leave this body and this world. I could tell you the meaning of life, but you wouldn’t believe me. Because who am I to claim these things? Just a simple girl in a simple world..... anyone notice the irony of that statement? ——
Here we are again.. alone and in the dark. Night is my time. It’s always been my time. When the waves crash and the nightmares begin. Literally. Sad songs are not sad enough because no words can detain to explain this explanation. Night is the night of terrors where we must be strong . But I am not strong. I am and have always been in encampment of this terror, now my fear, it burns.
I am lost in worlds in words and dimensions. Every morning I wake up not knowing where I am this time. I don’t expect to wake up most nights. The nightmares terrors and paralysis occur all night not just REM sleep etc. I feel like I’m possessed. I am by my soul. But I feel it’s multiple souls and therefore I must live multiple lives , go down others pasts. The dead they find me and feel my nurture from numbness. They send messages. They send warnings. The demons try to possess and get you to cross them over. I have only come to this realisation in the last few weeks on investigations of my life experiences might not have been so crazy and unintentional at all but planned by possession. But then again that could be an example definition of mental health.
I understand and well aware everything I just said makes me sound crazy. And I am. Completely. I don’t know what to believe anymore because the crazy things just happen and any possibility is possible. I’m just trying to make sense of what scares me and what I can’t control.
All my life I’ve walked this path that has made me stand out yet fly under radar. I am of decent. And I’ve seen things I cannot repeat. Ive felt I’ve smelt.
I love my family.
I’m sorry I forever and have akways hurt and destroy them. And I continue to do so.
I’m afraid, so afraid of Satan, of myself, of being eRth bound for all of eternity.
Yes I overthink the overthinkable.
But I learn new things everyday. I love books, I live history. I’m repulsed by so much.
I believe I want an intimate relationship but also accept the fact that that may not be possible for me. People either die it leave. Always leave. Trust is not an option.
The time I have left in this life to cherish is the years I’m spending with my precious soul mate/ familiar- my cat. He owns my heart and soul. Our bond it hurts. I fear his death and already cry about it. I cry for my previous pets and I wish I could of done something. I should have done something.
If I knew things. If I was or had been smarter I could have saved you. You could still be with me Nana. Ryan I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. You were my baby and I cherished your feral little being.
I cry for myself because I am not anyone. My personality remains irritable to then match the persons around me. Embracing their energy because I produce none myself. I am ashes.
I’ve stayed up and now my nightmares will be worse but if I go to bed early they are worse again. I’m scared for their is no peace there is no hope. I breathe each minute and put on a smile so I can try to convince myself I am someone worthwhile. I am what you make me. What you possess me to be.
I see you and I see nothing.
I feel eternal loneliness though I know God is with me but Satan is close behind. I am not protected and I have gone insane.
And I know this vicious cycle is never going to end because my work will never leave this earth.! Am bound to unfinished business because I will never be perfect. I’ll never he good enough.
Storm before the calm?
Darkness before the dawn?
This dark storm? This is my being. It’s not a life or event, it’s not who I am - I am but a droplet of gas exchange. I breathe oxygen but does it reach the lobes it needs to to function?
Mind over matter? Mate just fuck off.
Ana? We will discuss tomorrow. How I deny and hide her within.
For now my pretties. Embrace yourself and have faith for you are the key to your own existence. Don’t be controlled. Just be you xx
Monday, 8 April 2019
Sunday, 7 April 2019
You know I’m through. I’m spinning in despair. I don’t know who I am so I cling to the one thing I know. Mental illness. I pray to God, to Jesus, to say I’m sorry begging for forgiveness for the things I continue to do. I am not worthy of this life I lead. I’m isolating my already isolated life, this way I can confide with no one but myself. It’s so much easier to manipulate than to divulge. Heaven won’t save me now. I’m so in control and yet things are slipping... the perfectionism I deny returns in variation. I’m a lie of energy only encaptured from others. I wake up feeling like I majorly overdosed which in universal travel matches. I don’t know what to say. I’m so lost and yet found and seen by few. I am here but I’m not present. I can’t confide. I can’t but I must. I can’t do this again but I need to. God I need to!!!! This is my path and I’m going to crawl my way over the dead decaying bodies and trust my abilities and ? - blog extension
Where do I begin? I am so sorry to do this to you again to put you through this. But have no fear I will not leave you.
I’m scared but I can’t stop. Honestly it for the best and it’s my path. I can hide and glide or seek . I chose to hide but the appearance is begging to be noticed and suspected. My knowledge still present. This i cannot hide but play the game through lies and faking. I see it I know it all too well. I know the risks the severe already consequences and yet I deny their existence much the same as I do to myself.
I truely believe nursing is my purpose and I will forefill it because I know enough naturopathy, pharmacology and pathophysiology and intuition of what my body requires. I am in control. I am a hipocrite but hey I want to help others not myself.
The starving keeps me awake the fluids unbalance me they drain me . My eyes they are red and puffy. But I am intelligent. If I could accomplish high school, 7 years in pharmacy and 5 years in aged care.... yes hospitalisations and sevete self harm and suicide attempts so really I shouldn’t claim this but you know if I can survive it all once I can do. I just need to control my control. I’ve got the extensive therapy knowledge and experience I technically have a PhD in psychology. Not like it’s hard. It’s actually very very simple.
And now I’m up late sleeping with my children’s pull ups incase I’m incontinent from this bowel prolapse I am making wore day by day. Tomorrow I stop. Tomorrow no food, pure liquid. I cannot exacerbate this prolapse please god it even appears when I void. I’m scared and the surgery might not happen due to my weight and what happens when I get tubed?
So I have a doctors appointment tomorrow regarding referrals to surgeons and my regular mental health whatever. He knows me too well and I will refuse the scales. Ecause wzter loafing scares me. Water loading...... how is that scary! Obviously it’s your only option to not reach admission criteria and I need my potassium tablets again. I’m fucked tomorrow unless my psychiatrist hasn’t emailed him yet? I really don’t know what I’m walking into.... I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stay asleep. Nothing helps. My insomnia only leads to my psychosis and unintentional self harm because it’s accepted in my psychotic glued mind that it’s required..
who am I?
Why couldn’t I be normal ? But I class normal and intelligence in people with manageable mental health due to compliance, acceptance and strength. Where are we now and where must we go? Our path comes to an end of doors and from here we continue between these doors of reality, existence and hope.
I do not know about what you ‘normal’ people call feelings like yes o understand happy sad etc they are black and white and stone age engrsved in our brains. But love? Despair? Hopelessness? These are all things we have witnessed and taught ourselves to help us express and describe who we think we might be and perhaps how to understand others? Does anyone want to understand others? Majority no, but I see one and know, feel and sense their imagined self taught badly expressed ‘feelings’ . Not trying to deny these things I just believe there are huge differences to emotions and feelings. And to connect them is confusing for some or entangled all wrong. Black and white. White is clear, viewed and seen while Black is possibility of unknown aka yes or no.
I must stop here. For my mind does not stop. The neurons ate firing and I have no hope but for another awful night. Nothing lasts and what really do we have to look forward to and really why do we bother? Do we care? Is reproduction the only hope of change. And with the futuristic changes of the determinants of health we are all completely fucked. So here I go. As usual, one breath st a time and wait. Wait to ‘sleep’ and desire to stay that way and desire to wake refreshed and motivated.