Sunday, 21 April 2019

The facade of emotion we all desire

Here we are yet again. I get my hopes up so quick to be shut down. I question have I ever been happy? What does that even mean? I’m drowning under this surface of guilt and lies. No one can save me because I won’t reach out. I will not take the hand reaching out for me. This is me and what I must do. Used and abused. I should know by now that I am destined to be alone and dreams of healthy relationships are but a fairy tale. But I love fairy tales.... well I did until I realised this world is as bitter as I don’t know whatever ever is bitter, wrong, harsh, full of hope, full of useless revolutionary ideas, adapting medicine and knowledge. What will become of us? No one will remember me in 100 years. Do I even want to be remembered? Am I worthy to think about? I’m I worth your yome? The obvious and saddening answer is no. I feel crushed. It’s Easter and I’ve been home alone avoiding asthma triggers trying to avoid my anorexia. Dying slowly. Cracked down a kg. I’m committed to my self destruction. People are more ill than me and live and function so I just need to focus. Please myself. This is what I want and all I have to hang on to and grip to. It’s true, no one wants me. We’ve known this for a long time because I am not of this Earth. I was not sent to be here. An error, a mistake in an advanced century. I can’t take much more of this. I just want someone to want me but it’s always me chasing those who couldn’t care less about me. Proves how disgusting I am. So I need to lose. I need to prove my control. I need to disappear. I do not have an eating disorder. I’m just a girl lost within the mind of demons

Wednesday, 17 April 2019

Just not good enough.

I’m not enough. I can try harder. I can eat less. I can be enough. I’ve done it before I can do it again but this time be smart. 2 exams tomorrow and I question the use of coffee. I’m questioning all calories. My reflux continues. I’m so dehydrated but refuse to drink resource or fortisip. That’s a fail. Coke no sugar is my nutrition. What am I doing to myself?? I’m becoming better. I will be a better person. I’ll be more efficient and prove myself. No more money spent on food or drink. What a waste. 
I do wonder the more weight I lose will my bowel prolapse get worse or better? Because the less I weigh and the amount of medication I’m on the surgeon will reject me. But I need to be smaller. The thoughts consume. I have to be good at something I need to prove myself. 
My asthma won’t let me exercise especially being winter fuck. Not like I have the time. Sleep is more important. 
Please god help me pass my exams. Give me confidence and please let them notice how unwell I am. Attention seeking yes but I need sympathy to pass because I’m just that  pathetic. 
The pharmacy gave me the wrong movicol because they were ‘out of stock’ so I got the generic which is not my normal flavour free and add cordial so this is lemon lime and I added lemon cordial and it’s gross as! Yuck! Tried to drink 500mLs but only managed 250mL. Disgusting! 
So tired. Tomorrow will be a big day and I’m so worried I’m going to fuck it up again but oh well not much I can do about it. 

I feel so alone. Because I am. I crave companionship but I’m not mentally designed for that. I want to be but would love this fat fuck? Easter is going to kill me. 
Work is exercise at least and time to study my favourite topics!! 
Deciding where I want to do my placements. 
I know what I want and if that’s how I coped with my first job this way then I’m fine. Still not good enough. Long way to go but I need the control. I’m doing this for me because I have nothing else . I see in the mirror progress but not perfection. 
I need perfection 


Monday, 15 April 2019

How.

How did I even get this far in life? I know I’m destined to be alone and that’s okay. I feel my organs going into shock and my legs forever ache. I’m seeing twirls of coloured wine splash around me which is what? 
Uni tomorrow which mother is driving as my little anxiety/asthma attack has left me pretty rotten. Hopefully will be able to sleep through the night without coughing. So can I post videos on here? Because I have a few I want to share as this is the visual picture of my self destruction. Talk tomorrow my dears xx 

Tuesday, 9 April 2019

Spins and twirls

Here’s my insta pot from @saz.vents

ou don’t see what I see. You can’t comprehend the things I know. Do I believe I was meant for this world? Well, I’m unsure. I know my purpose here. My dimensions lead me other lives. Previous? Ancestorial? I don’t know yet but it’s always family related. I don’t need to travel because at night I leave this body and this world. I could tell you the meaning of life, but you wouldn’t believe me. Because who am I to claim these things? Just a simple girl in a simple world..... anyone notice the irony of that statement? ——


Here we are again.. alone and in the dark. Night is my time. It’s always been my time. When the waves crash and the nightmares begin. Literally. Sad songs are not sad enough because no words can detain to explain this explanation. Night is the night of terrors where we must be strong . But I am not strong. I am and have always been in encampment of this terror, now my fear, it burns. 


I am lost in worlds in words and dimensions. Every morning I wake up not knowing where I am this time. I don’t expect to wake up most nights. The nightmares terrors and paralysis occur all night not just REM sleep etc. I feel like I’m possessed. I am by my soul. But I feel it’s multiple souls and therefore I must live multiple lives , go down others pasts. The dead they find me and feel my nurture from numbness. They send messages. They send warnings. The demons try to possess and get you to cross them over. I have only come to this realisation in the last few weeks on investigations of my life experiences might not have been so crazy and unintentional at all but planned by possession. But then again that could be an example definition of mental health. 


I understand and  well aware everything I just said makes me sound crazy. And I am. Completely. I don’t know what to believe anymore because the crazy things just happen and any possibility is possible. I’m just trying to make sense of what scares me and what I can’t control. 


All my life I’ve walked this path that has made me stand out yet fly under radar. I am of decent. And I’ve seen things I cannot repeat. Ive felt I’ve smelt. 

I love my family.

I’m sorry I forever and have akways hurt and destroy them. And I continue to do so. 


I’m afraid, so afraid of Satan, of myself, of being eRth bound for all of eternity. 

Yes I overthink the overthinkable. 


But I learn new things everyday. I love books, I live history. I’m repulsed by so much. 

I believe I want an intimate relationship but also accept the fact that that may not be possible for me. People either die it leave. Always leave. Trust is not an option. 

The time I have left in this life to cherish is the years I’m spending with my precious soul mate/ familiar- my cat. He owns my heart and soul. Our bond it hurts. I fear his death and already cry about it. I cry for my previous pets and I wish I could of done something. I should have done something. 


If I knew things. If I was or had been smarter I could have saved you. You could still be with me Nana. Ryan I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. You were my baby and I cherished your feral little being. 

I cry for myself because I am not anyone. My personality remains irritable to then match the persons around me. Embracing their energy because I produce none myself. I am ashes. 


I’ve stayed up and now my nightmares will be worse but if I go to bed early they are worse again. I’m scared for their is no peace there is no hope. I breathe each minute and put on a smile so I can try to convince myself I am someone worthwhile. I am what you make me. What you possess me to be.


I see you and I see nothing. 

I feel eternal loneliness though I know God is with me but Satan is close behind. I am not protected and I have gone insane. 

I’m broken. 

I’m tired. 

And I know this vicious cycle is never going to end because my work will never leave this earth.! Am bound to unfinished business because I will never be perfect. I’ll never he good enough.

Storm before the calm? 

Darkness before the dawn?

No. 

This dark storm? This is my being. It’s not a life or event, it’s not who I am - I am but a droplet of gas exchange. I breathe oxygen but does it reach the lobes it needs to to function?


Mind over matter? Mate just fuck off. 


Ana? We will discuss tomorrow. How I deny and hide her within. 


For now my pretties. Embrace yourself and have faith for you are the key to your own existence. Don’t be controlled. Just be you xx

Monday, 8 April 2019

This is my diary

So somehow I made it through today. I’ve gone to bed at 8 pm though as I type this. Today was awful. I’m not sleeping due to the nightmares and paralysis I actually swear I go to another universe and it just drains me. So I’m not going to my math exam tomorrow because I can’t pass it so I will set it next week on the same day as another exam I am redoing.
Which means I have three exams due next week and my case study dyebthis Friday which is unfinished and in this state I’m dying.
I look in the mirror and cry because I know what I’m doing and as much as I think I want to stop it I don’t. I’m letting Ana win. I’m letting her take me. I’m breaking. People are noticing and I can’t think I can’t do anything. I contsnly feel sick and am severely dehydrated. Hence the tiredness. The restriction grows. A can’t finish an Apple. I don’t even want to binge. I’m so afraid of digesting food to my bowel prolapse. 
I’m doing this for me. 
Who else do I have? 
To rely on? To keep my secrets. To see me through. 
There are very few. But I’m isolating more trying to get away. No one can stop me. I won’t die. I’m not even sick. I am just overreacting and weak. I am useless and will never be perfect. 
Perfect for anyone. 
I try and try but for what? 
This at least I can. 
If you’re not there for me well I’ve decided I’m not there for you. I’m putting what little energy I have into myself not eating it on people who don’t listen to my advise. I will not be used. And I will not confide. Stick to you’re own toxic lives. 
It’s quite clear who has mental health biological maladaptive disorders which you cannot fake for attention. So don’t come to me because She’s not here. 

Thank you to those who reach out to me and care . Even the ones I don’t talk to often I know you are there and you know I am here and that is true friendship. 

So I’m putting up a fight. But the possibilities are lessening so I need to play it safe and hydrate, vitamins and pass blood tests. Make up hides the pallor, shaving hides the languo. Baggy clothes make me look worse. But surely it won’t get worse than this?  I am broke, I have no lover. Neither do I care. 
I have my cat. I have my family. 
I will document my Ana on here and vent on @saz.vents 

Sunday, 7 April 2019

Heaven can’t help me now

You know I’m through. I’m spinning in despair. I don’t know who I am so I cling to the one thing I know. Mental illness. I pray to God, to Jesus, to say I’m sorry begging for forgiveness for the things I continue to do. I am not worthy of this life I lead. I’m isolating my already isolated life, this way I can confide with no one but myself. It’s so much easier to manipulate than to divulge. Heaven won’t save me now. I’m so in control and yet things are slipping... the perfectionism I deny returns in variation. I’m a lie of energy only encaptured from others. I wake up feeling like I majorly overdosed which in universal travel matches. I don’t know what to say. I’m so lost and yet found and seen by few. I am here but I’m not present. I can’t confide. I can’t but I must. I can’t do this again but I need to. God I need to!!!! This is my path and I’m going to crawl my way over the dead decaying bodies and trust my abilities and ? - blog extension



Where do I begin? I am so sorry to do this to you again to put you through this. But have no fear I will not leave you. 

I’m scared but I can’t stop. Honestly it for the best and it’s my path. I can hide and glide or seek . I chose to hide but the appearance is begging to be noticed and suspected. My knowledge still present. This i cannot hide but play the game through lies and faking. I see it I know it all too well. I know the risks the severe already consequences and yet I deny their existence much the same as I do to myself. 

I truely believe nursing is my purpose and I will forefill it because I know enough naturopathy, pharmacology and pathophysiology and intuition of what my body requires. I am in control. I am a hipocrite but hey I want to help others not myself.


The starving keeps me awake the fluids unbalance me they drain me . My eyes they are red and puffy. But I am intelligent. If I could accomplish high school, 7 years in pharmacy and 5 years in aged care.... yes hospitalisations and sevete self harm and suicide attempts so really I shouldn’t claim this but you know if I can survive it all once I can do. I just need to control my control. I’ve got the extensive therapy knowledge and experience I technically have a PhD in psychology. Not like it’s hard. It’s actually very very simple. 

And now I’m up late sleeping with my children’s pull ups incase I’m incontinent from this bowel prolapse I am making wore day by day. Tomorrow I stop. Tomorrow no food, pure liquid. I cannot exacerbate this prolapse please god it even appears when I void. I’m scared and the surgery might not happen due to my weight and what happens when I get tubed? 

So I have a doctors appointment tomorrow regarding referrals to surgeons and my regular mental health whatever. He knows me too well and I will refuse the scales. Ecause wzter loafing scares me. Water loading...... how is that scary! Obviously it’s your only option to not reach admission criteria and I need my potassium tablets again. I’m fucked tomorrow unless my psychiatrist hasn’t emailed him yet? I really don’t know what I’m walking into.... I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stay asleep. Nothing helps. My insomnia only leads to my psychosis and unintentional self harm because it’s accepted in my psychotic glued mind that it’s required.. 

who am I?

Why couldn’t I be normal ? But I class normal and intelligence in people with manageable mental health due to compliance, acceptance and strength. Where are we now and where must we go? Our path comes to an end of doors and from here we continue between these doors of reality, existence and hope. 

I do not know about what you ‘normal’ people call feelings like yes o understand happy sad etc they are black and white and stone age engrsved in our brains. But love? Despair? Hopelessness? These are all things we have witnessed and taught ourselves to help us express and describe who we think we might be and perhaps how to understand others? Does anyone want to understand others? Majority no, but I see one and know, feel and sense their imagined self taught badly expressed ‘feelings’ . Not trying to deny these things I just believe there are huge differences to emotions and feelings. And to connect them is confusing for some or entangled all wrong. Black and white. White is clear, viewed and seen while Black is possibility of unknown aka yes or no. 

I must stop here. For my mind does not stop. The neurons ate firing and I have no hope but for another awful night. Nothing lasts and what really do we have to look forward to and really why do we bother? Do we care? Is reproduction the only hope of change. And with the futuristic changes of the determinants of health we are all completely fucked. So here I go. As usual, one breath st a time and wait. Wait to ‘sleep’ and desire to stay that way and desire to wake refreshed and motivated.