Monday, 18 March 2019

Phenoix

Phenoix you ate the soul for me. I hope to stop hurting you my darling. But I hurt everyone that gets close to me. I hurt myself. Cutting isn’t enough, overdosing isn’t enough. Death isn’t enough. I will never be enough. I think hanging will be enough but all I have is an extension cord and now I’m too drunk to even see straight. I just can’t cope. I don’t want to be locked away I want s life so why can’t I live it? I can’t breathe but I have a good life so why can’t I just live it??? I’m so selfish I hate myself. I want to to cut but know no good will come of it nothing will ever become of me. I can’t I just can’t do this 

Sunday, 17 March 2019

Here we are again

Everyday it’s something new, some new challenge on top of the war I already fight. I take more tablets than I do food. What is all this for? What is the meaning? Why do dead people keep giving me messages?? These nightmares they never end!! When will escape this hell! What do I have other than pain and anguish? People think I’m fine! I’m happy! I’m great! When I’m fucking dying. Every part of me throbs, bloats and bruises. My mind is a death trap. Can I be completely honest without being judged? No I can’t it’s that simple. Judge a book by its cover and don’t ask questions because really no one cares. Oh you just won’t help yourself Sarah, you don’t want to get better. You’re fucking right that’s why it’s called chronically suicidal you dumb bitch. Why do I even bother . 

I don’t know where any of this has suddenly come from. 

Night is just awful for me. I can barely open my eyes. 

Uni is killing me. Life is killing me . I can’t trust I can’t believe. I can’t anything. I just want to function

Sunday, 10 March 2019

In pieces

I’m in pieces and I don’t want to be put back together again. It’s not worth the time, I don’t have the money I don’t have the body. 
My head is in the clouds and it’s about to rain. I feel the depth of the ground and I sink. Down I go. I used to do this on purpose, I used to strive for it now it’s just too easy. 
I’m failing uni because I can’t comprehend anything going on. I don’t know what’s going on and I’m ridden with sadness. I’m abandoned and cold. Just when I thought..... POOF! 
no surprise though always knew it was too good to be true. I lost my chance, just like I’ve lost my chance at life. Or did I get a get out of jail free card? Nope, and the dice will never double. I don’t have the luck let alone belief. 
I was trying so hard and I was getting there and now it’s pain and manipulation. I am nothing. I am a no one. I’m hallucinating and seeing shadows. I don’t know if I will make this year of uni I’m too plain stupid with all my UTIs confusing me putting my phone in the cupboard? 
I’m too sad for this. I don’t know .
I have to go my hallucinTions are getting worse 

Saturday, 2 March 2019

Health

I have honestly forgotten about this blog as I’ve been more active on my Instagram accounts of @saz.vents and @saz.heals so check that out for better updates. 
Me? I am fading mentally and physically. I’m sharing my story as raw as it is honestly because I feel like I’m preparing for my death. Not by suicide etc but health. If it can’t be fixed or healed then we will reassess.

I am suffering deeply. Constant pain vomiting snd laxatives. Not eating disorder required but medically required for my embarrassing huge bowel prolapse. Getting photos of it is hard because shit goes in all directions because I can not pass this giant softball. Yes I shit in my phone twice. Thank you lord for detol!
I’m continuing with uni but I won’t last long as my I’ll health consumes my whole being.  God hears my prayers, he knows my pain dnd he will take it away. I admit I am preparing for death which is why I want to leave my mark on this world. Pathetically through a YouTube channel of ‘Saz heals’ and by telling my story of mentdk health advocating recovery and torment endured. The story of my anorexia and how it’s destroyed my life and left me where I am today.
Another thing that is ALSO painful is my cancerous forming uterus. It just gets worse snd worse snd the girl uni crap playing me against each other I can’t hsndle.can I ever hsve sex ? Can I ever conceive a baby? Hsve I already poisoned my body? How long do I have left? 
My favourite psychic is away so if you can recommend anyone around health please message me! Thank you for the very few that read this nonsense