Sunday, 20 January 2019

I’m sorry

I’m sorry darlings for leaving you. I’m mostly venting now on Instagram @saz.vents
This was my last post: I just want time to stop. I can’t handle anymore. Crisis lines only delay the inevitable. My blood pressure is awful and all I can do is lay in bed and let my heart rest at a stable rate. Not to mention the headaches, nausea, smile I have to fake, I urge to self harm is so strong. I just want to do it one more time to end it all. Meeting tomorrow to discuss about going back to work after my 4 months of being in medical wards and psych wards. I’ve had enough I just can’t handle this. I honestly can’t. The days get longer and I get lonelier. I’m a constant disappointment I can’t afford to be at uni while my blood pressure making me faint, let alone concentrate. I keep hallucinating that I have conversations with people I’ve never had and read things in my mind as facts that don’t exist. I’m losing my mind. I keep getting detained but my last 10 years have been spent in and out of hospitals, will it ever end? Will I ever commit to recovery? Honestly I don’t even believe in recovery and that’s my problem. No one will ever love this mess. Not in this secluded town. I just can’t. Self harm would keep me afloat not that I can afford the bills of stitches and bandages. I am broke. I’m relying on my parents who are controlling my secluded life. I wish I was dead. 

I don’t know how to survive this world . I’m sick of the way people treat sick of being a nut case. I just can’t leave my cat. Fuck. He is my everything. I’m a fake. All I do is post smiles all over social media hoping to inspire recovery and make people jealous. I don’t believe in recovery in anything. It will always be there just whether you chose to acknowledge those thoughts into actions. Know real from fake. 
After the last book I read I question my psychic abilities. I always dream of dead people who I had nothing to do with and they tell me where they are. I feel I’m connected because I’m already partly dead. So many close attempts have brought me to the spirit world. The drawers that open themselves. The feelings. Wow I am crazy!