Monday, 3 December 2018

The cast of lost souls

Okay so this is what I just posted on Instagram regretfully: 

 but I feel like it needs to be addressed and awareness needs to be made. If something good can come from this pit of despair I can save one of you and change your mind about suicide. Suicide is so final it is the last resort and there is no going back once it’s been committed. My latest attempt was Friday night to when I woke up at 11 the next morning to where I started again. I was on a mission. Pill after pill drink after drink they slid down my throat. I was broken. I could see no way out I couldn’t tell anyone so more pills I took until I was unconscious. My parents found me about an hour later and carried my limp unconscious body to the hospital where I was unrousable and lost control of my bladder. So they put in a catheter. They injected me with all sorts of drugs to attempt to save my life. Nothing was working. I was gone. My parents were told to say their goodbyes. It was touch and go. They finally aroused me through punching my chest constantly to which was my dad I told to fuck off. From there I was flown by helicopter to the royal Adelaide hospital. Where they continued to detox my body from the medications comatozing me. I woke up sometime the next day no idea where I was or what I had even done. I was detained by the state with a security guard always in sight. I was alive. I still don’t know if I want to be. Should I be relieved, thankful? Or regret? I don’t know how to be. Seeing my parents for the first time since it happened today was terrible. To see my dad cry after reading my suicide notes. If I have to live I have to live for my parents. I want to die and I’ve put everyone through so much pain and anguish. I’m a walking disaster. Everyone in my life is in danger of me. Afraid of walking on eggshells around me. So now I’m locked away in another mental asylum until further notice. Trying to finding the will to live. If you have any ideas how please shoot them my way?! I’m broken inside. I don’t know how to heal. One thing is that I’m in the right place. I’m surrounded by nurses, doctors and psychiatrists to protect and help me. 

I have met so many amazing strong inspiring people through this journey and we are al in it together. Never alone. Don’t ever feel alone. Please seek help I can’t stress that enough. I feel like my life was coming to an end and from some grace if god he’s given me another chance. I’ve broken so much of my life. I’m broke and stuck in psychiatric wards packed full of medication but I’m alive. All thanks to the many doctors and nurses working hard to keep me safe. I don’t know if I’m happy about being alive but in a way I am thankful for a second chance and that’s what I’ve got is a second chance. So I need to call out when I’m drowning and be picked up. Your family loves you unconditionally don’t forget that. The guilt of hurting them doesn’t worry me as much as it used to as I block it off but to crush the ones your love is pretty sad. Very Grim. I’ve never had a child so I don’t know the bond but it’s obviously very powerful and special. 

I just want someone to love and someone to love me back. According to my psychic I haven’t found him yet but she didn’t foresee my death either so we will see what life brings. I don’t know if I’m going to continue nursing or when I’ll get back to work if I even passed nursing. I’m kind of avoiding it. I need to man up and face it but I can’t. I don’t know. God give me strength. 

So far I’m reading novels and sleeping. Good life. I say I’m vegetarian but been eating meat all day just happy to have food. Thankful for what I’m given. Tomorrow is a new day. A new beginning and chance to start again. 

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