Monday, 5 November 2018
5 days out of my 26 day crisis admission. I’m slowly dying. I’m not eating or sleeping. I’m barely breathing. I have a would in my life that makes it worth it but it will never last. No one could learn to love this mess. I’m going to be alone forever and I accept that. What I would do to cut myself and see the fat and blood poor from my wrists. But I haven’t cut in 20 days for him. Still overdosing to catch s few hours sleep but I’m barely breathing. I am dead inside, I can’t let people in cos I don’t want them to see the real me. I don’t even really want to lose weight but eating is so emotional I just can’t. I’m exhausted and I’m so disappointed within myself. I hate myself and I feel I can’t breathe. Another sleepless night what’s that? I’m not ready to go back to work yet so I’m broke on my ass which is stressful but what do I need to buy? Not eating so it’s all good lol what is wrong with me. All I think is ways to hurt myself. Memories of my first years of depression flood back in and once again I’m living in the past. I can’t explain my emotions I don’t know where to begin. Music is seriously saving me right now because everyone I know has gone to sleep but not sleepless sarah. All nighter here we come! So depressing. I hope tomorrow is better which it will be but I’m so broken. I don’t want this but I can’t let go. 20 days self harm free but the starving continues. More of an irrational fear. I see things for what they are but it doesn’t help having insight. I’m so numb I can’t feel anything because I block it out because I don’t wanna be hurt. I thought I felt for him but I put up that wall and feel nothing. So what does it make it? Just fun? It’s complicated I guess. As life is but like are witches real? Are we all going to hell? Why is terrorism happening and which religion is true? I question life for what it is and think way too hard. I need to stop thinking and just try to sleep. Insomnia ruins me.