Saturday, 10 November 2018
I went back to work today and it almost killed me. It was an alright day but putting up with the gossip of me going away and people questioning me got to me. I didn’t let anyone in. They think they know but they have no idea. They say you can’t trust anyone so have to be very careful.
I wish things and pray. But to no avail. Tomorrow is going to be terrible I just know it. It’s like being a new person again. I just need to get to know people better. What is so wrong with me. I know I’m going to be alone forever I’m never going to find someone to love this mess let alone have a baby. Sure odd guys message me but nothing I’m interested in. The guy I like doesn’t like me and doesn’t see a future. Which sucks but I’ve put my walls up so it’s okay but now I just feel like a burden when I talk to him probably am as he feels sorry for me. I’ve already overdosed twice this week since discharge and been unconscious for hours. Slurring words and unable to walk. I have a stash of more drugs hidden. I’m hopeless but it’s my only escape from this rejection. I don’t know how to feel how to be. How am I meant to live? What’s going to happen? I’m broke how am I meant to do uni this is awful. Now it’s uni holidays and the results are killing me. If I failed something I’ll probably give up. FML. I need to pass uni first year at least please help me pass. But now I idol and have nothing to focus on so my depression thickens. The eating side of things is still shit. I’m lucky if I do eat but I still try to purge it. Eating quite unhealthy too like lollies and carbs etc. tomorrow I will have a shake for breakfast. I need a liquid diet. I still don’t know what I weigh and I can’t bare to do it and be disappointed. I just can’t do it. I can’t do life. I can’t do this forever. I have no motivation other than nursing but I’ll never get a job in my home town because management hate me for my mental health issues. derogatory comments etc about my scars. Acting well is easy. Acting I’m okay I can do but tablets help. Gosh I’m so lost like I don’t know what way to turn. The nurses say just look forward to my holiday in two weeks but how can I when I have no money and then what? What happens after my holiday? Do I live or do I die? Do I make it through Christmas? When everyone’s happy and I’m not. So I act I am because I really do like Christmas but I won’t let myself. There’s only one thing one person I wish for. Who knows where we will be in 6 weeks. If it’s meant to be it will be as says the lord so I must trust in his plan for me as bullshit as it may seem. I’m now a morning showerer lol it’s different but gives me a boost and feel cleaner. I feel so dirty all the time. I have random guys messaging me but none I’m interested in. I’m not into just sex and no connection. Pointless really. God has a plan. Trust and cast my worries onto him. If he listens? Will he answer? Does he ever? What else am I meant to hope for. I want hope but I’m so lost and confused. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going alive. How to live, how to breathe. This is all fucked.
Monday, 5 November 2018
5 days out of my 26 day crisis admission. I’m slowly dying. I’m not eating or sleeping. I’m barely breathing. I have a would in my life that makes it worth it but it will never last. No one could learn to love this mess. I’m going to be alone forever and I accept that. What I would do to cut myself and see the fat and blood poor from my wrists. But I haven’t cut in 20 days for him. Still overdosing to catch s few hours sleep but I’m barely breathing. I am dead inside, I can’t let people in cos I don’t want them to see the real me. I don’t even really want to lose weight but eating is so emotional I just can’t. I’m exhausted and I’m so disappointed within myself. I hate myself and I feel I can’t breathe. Another sleepless night what’s that? I’m not ready to go back to work yet so I’m broke on my ass which is stressful but what do I need to buy? Not eating so it’s all good lol what is wrong with me. All I think is ways to hurt myself. Memories of my first years of depression flood back in and once again I’m living in the past. I can’t explain my emotions I don’t know where to begin. Music is seriously saving me right now because everyone I know has gone to sleep but not sleepless sarah. All nighter here we come! So depressing. I hope tomorrow is better which it will be but I’m so broken. I don’t want this but I can’t let go. 20 days self harm free but the starving continues. More of an irrational fear. I see things for what they are but it doesn’t help having insight. I’m so numb I can’t feel anything because I block it out because I don’t wanna be hurt. I thought I felt for him but I put up that wall and feel nothing. So what does it make it? Just fun? It’s complicated I guess. As life is but like are witches real? Are we all going to hell? Why is terrorism happening and which religion is true? I question life for what it is and think way too hard. I need to stop thinking and just try to sleep. Insomnia ruins me.