Trouble

I can’t keep it together. I’m stuck in the cycle of self harm. I hit a vein tonight and it spurted out haha fair bit of blood actually. I love wounds and dressing them. Like being a nurse. I could have gone deeper but I just don’t feel it. I don’t know why I keep cutting like it’s an addiction. I have s towel I lay down and it’s drenched in blood. Stained forever. I tried to avoid cutting bu madly cleaning but it did nothing. I can’t go to hospital because I don’t need an admission so I took some extra olanzapine on top of my normal dose which will raise my prolactin levels more oh well I don’t really care anymore. I need to google