Sunday, 21 October 2018

So so so

So my day was unsuccessful as I didn’t kill myself but nurse very happy saying my outing not self harming is positive. I can’t explain how angry, sad, depressed, alone and afraid I am. A life without suicidality is daunting. It’s my safe place. A life without self harm is awesome like big change. I’m safe. But inpatient is hard. These thought won’t just disappear. Suggestions of ect. That scares me. Dropping my medication that’s scary. My head aches. I’m so tired but I have had a lot of medication. Nurses are lovely and to admit I want to be here to get better is tough but the truth is I do want to get better. I want a life of happiness I Just do t believe it’s possible and being bubbly and acting happy like is it as exhausting as acting it? I’m so exhausted. And ole Ana says hello. I ate way too much today and counteract that with black coffee. But I was so hungry. Like the voices fight I know I need nourishment but I want to lose dramatic amounts of weight. At least 9kg to be “happy” content or just okay within myself. I don’t know how long I’m going to be here but I feel like it’s for the long haul. I need to get better but can I do that in a week? I should really speak to a nurse. I don’t even know what happy is. Do I have to love myself? Cos that’s another aspect that needs improving like omg there is so much to change and work on where do I begin???? Where am I like wtf am i doing I’m so sorry. I can’t wave s magic wand. I have s hell of a fight to go through. I need to be more open and I need to have confidence. I need help

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