Monday, 1 October 2018

Numb as a /?$)?;

Here we are again boys and girls in bed by 7pm and contemplating death. Mainly cutting but where does that get me? I haven’t cut my wrists since before placement so that’s two weeks. But there’s no room on my wrists only room down my arm but I don’t want stitches I can’t keep doing this can I? It’s getting to nice weather and all you see on me is scars. It’s disgusting. I tell guliable patients it’s cat scratches haha fuck. Wish I could eat normally wish I could breathe normally. I just want to be hit by a truck and disappear. That would be for the best. 
I have a doctors appointment coming up this week and have to see one of the hot medical students first great get to embarrass myself some more and have them see how fucked in the head I am like do I even have opinions or do I just believe and go with what others say? I’m such a fake. So fake. Everyone thinks I’m so happy bubbly and confident and normal. I know we all have our demons but my demons want to destroy me. Every minute of every day. I’m so good st acting when really I’m numb so numb it’s depressing. Now I’m thinking after next two days I can cut again? Should I hold off? Or Just cut under bra line some more? Oh self harm thoughts will you ever leave me? 
Am I constantly dissociating or am I just dead inside? I can’t remember anything anymore and I’m barely passing uni. I do the work but my referencing is shit and my references are never credible fml if I fail a topic I will actually cry. Well no I don’t cry anymore but I would feel like crying! I wish I could cry and let emotions out like a normal person. Wow I’m an actual mess. But on the outside I have it all together. If I cut is that attention seeking cos I intend on getting stitches. Dang it. I don’t know if I can wait until after placement to cut. I need to feel and see I’m alive. It’s never enough. I will never be enough. 

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