Friday, 19 October 2018

My darlings

My darlings I’m so sorry I couldn’t hold on. I had my appointment and confessed all to my doctor admitted I was not safe and have been admitted to an insane asylum in Adelaide. I don’t which to say which one but a psychiatric hospital never the less another funny farm. I wish there wasn’t so much stigma around this issue like you have cancer you get treatment so how is mental health any different. I feel so judged and alone and afraid of the other patients but they’re probably just sad like me. I barely ate anything all day but drank heaps weighing in at 49.5 kill me please. But I took it in my stride no thanks to old Ana in my head. I’ve been skulling black coffee and purged a yoghurt but oh well. Hopefully I will lose weight on this admission. Breakfast is 8 am lol that’s still sleep time for me so I’ll pass. Show up in my unicorn pyjamas. Stuff the lot of you! I don’t really care what anyone thinks but I don’t want people to make assumptions so I don’t really know what to tell people so I’m not really telling anyone where I am. Hush hush. I feel like this is a safe place I don’t have to put on an act and hide my thoughts I can finally let out in a safe environment how I’m feeling! Finally an acceptable place to be. Tomorrow is a new day because let’s face it I hope never to wake up but I will and I will try to study but will fail so I will sleep and that’s okay. The nurses will ask and I will tell them how I feel which will most likely be depressed and suicidal. 
Like I question why am I so suicidal? Nothing bad other than depression has happened and I know with bpd the thoughts are common but what are the statistics of suicide? I’m in chronic ideation and make plans but then I doubt the plans would work. I want so much to sleep forever and death just seems so easy. It’s quick and painless it’s just leaving my cat and my poor family to pick up the pieces of their now destroyed lives and remember their daughter who killed themselves. My family would be tainted forever. People would always remember me as a quitter and weak. So why? Do I want a different life for myself? Surely after years of dbt I have some skills. I do I know I do I just don’t care as if I like feeling this way maybe and I’m used to it. I can’t break the cycle. So is this my chance? This admission let it all out face it and overcome it and send it running for the hills because I need a life away from self harm, abuse and suicidal ideation. I deserve that life I just don’t have the confidence or self esteem to strive for it. Hello anxiety. Then that gets in my head then depression says hey don’t worry your too tired go lay down and remember what a failure you are. Yes thank you depression for your encouragement. Mental health is a curse, cancer is a curse. Diabetes these are all treatable conditions with the right medication and support. God help me! Lord hear my prayer please help me to be brave tomorrow, to find the courage to eat and not purge, to tell a nurse how I’m feeling and to know my pussy cat at home knows I love him and I’m coming back for him. Please lord grant me these things. Amen

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