Saturday, 6 October 2018

I’m lost

I don’t know where I’m at I don’t know what I’m thinking. I just want to hurt myself. I’m so empty. My nightmares are so bad. I look fine on the outside but inside I’m drowning. I pretend I’m fine but who am I kidding. It’s going to be hot tomorrow which means short sleeves which means scars out bandages out. I’m so confused and dead inside. I literally eat and sleep. I have no motivation and everything is a chore. I know I’m loved I know I’m many things but I feel like nothing. I’ve pushed everyone away and time flies by so quick. I wish I was normal I wish I could interact properly I wish a lot of things. I have a mouth ulcer and it’s killing me hahaha I kill me. I think I might overdose I need to do something to knock me out. Knock me off the ledge. I’m trapped in this body and I want to set my soul free . 

That was my vent but now I’ve taken phenergan and temaze to go with my oxazepam haha hopefully a good sleep awaits. I’m so guilty. I don’t want a partner. I don’t want to destroy someone the way I destroy myself. I literally am a disaster but I smile and laugh my way through. I just need to cut but. Always a but: I regret it in the morning, I don’t want anymore scars, I don’t like letting my mum down, I don’t like being labelled psychotic, I don’t even get relief more satisfaction but even then I have to need stitches to know I’ve done a good job then I have to go into hospital and be admitted, I can’t afford that so I must overdose to fight these thoughts. Maybe under my bra line? So my bra will rub and hurt. Idk I have to I feel like I have no choice. Sighs* 

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