Tuesday, 2 October 2018

90

Today would have been grandpas 90th had he been alive. I don’t feel sad because he is already dead. If anything I almost resent him for dying? Classic abandonment issues here haha bpd. 
I have one more day of placement tomorrow and I can’t be bothered cutting myself tonight. I feel so strange like I keep saying I’m dead inside but I really am I’m so numb. It’s the only word oh maybe empty? Which I know is chronic bpd symptoms but really? Surely there is something going on here. I can feel physical pain but nothing emotionally I only know how to act because I’m smart enough to read situations. I be what I need to be whether that’s confident, agreeable or bagging. I’m a fraud. A complete fake. Acting is exhausting and doing placement is really tiring because I have to be switched on. I wonder if I will even be a nurse by the end of this or will I just fail. I think I’m setting myself up to fail. Gosh 

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