Wednesday, 31 October 2018

Fuck sakes

I just typed a whole lot of shit and of course it froze and I lost it. Ffs. I give up. 

Sunday, 28 October 2018

Wtf

I’m fucked, actually fucked. I can’t stop crying I’m never getting out of this place because I’m so fucked in the head. I hate this. I hate me. I hate who I’ve become no one needs me. I’m so alone and I’m going to be alone my whole life and when my cat dies what then? I just want a fairy tale ending but it’s never going to happen and I have to face the facts. Fact is I’m fucked. I’m so low. And I have to climb back out this hole and I don’t know if I can or if I even want to. What do I want? Because I know I can’t have it. How do I express all this from my head? I just can’t get it out. I thought I had found someone who gets me and understands me and I didn’t feel so alone but soon enough he will be gone and I will be alone again too. This is pointless. I’m going back to being a quiet little mouse and avoiding people and living in my shell. Fuck this fuck that shut the front door I’m out 

Sunday, 21 October 2018

So so so

So my day was unsuccessful as I didn’t kill myself but nurse very happy saying my outing not self harming is positive. I can’t explain how angry, sad, depressed, alone and afraid I am. A life without suicidality is daunting. It’s my safe place. A life without self harm is awesome like big change. I’m safe. But inpatient is hard. These thought won’t just disappear. Suggestions of ect. That scares me. Dropping my medication that’s scary. My head aches. I’m so tired but I have had a lot of medication. Nurses are lovely and to admit I want to be here to get better is tough but the truth is I do want to get better. I want a life of happiness I Just do t believe it’s possible and being bubbly and acting happy like is it as exhausting as acting it? I’m so exhausted. And ole Ana says hello. I ate way too much today and counteract that with black coffee. But I was so hungry. Like the voices fight I know I need nourishment but I want to lose dramatic amounts of weight. At least 9kg to be “happy” content or just okay within myself. I don’t know how long I’m going to be here but I feel like it’s for the long haul. I need to get better but can I do that in a week? I should really speak to a nurse. I don’t even know what happy is. Do I have to love myself? Cos that’s another aspect that needs improving like omg there is so much to change and work on where do I begin???? Where am I like wtf am i doing I’m so sorry. I can’t wave s magic wand. I have s hell of a fight to go through. I need to be more open and I need to have confidence. I need help

Friday, 19 October 2018

My darlings

My darlings I’m so sorry I couldn’t hold on. I had my appointment and confessed all to my doctor admitted I was not safe and have been admitted to an insane asylum in Adelaide. I don’t which to say which one but a psychiatric hospital never the less another funny farm. I wish there wasn’t so much stigma around this issue like you have cancer you get treatment so how is mental health any different. I feel so judged and alone and afraid of the other patients but they’re probably just sad like me. I barely ate anything all day but drank heaps weighing in at 49.5 kill me please. But I took it in my stride no thanks to old Ana in my head. I’ve been skulling black coffee and purged a yoghurt but oh well. Hopefully I will lose weight on this admission. Breakfast is 8 am lol that’s still sleep time for me so I’ll pass. Show up in my unicorn pyjamas. Stuff the lot of you! I don’t really care what anyone thinks but I don’t want people to make assumptions so I don’t really know what to tell people so I’m not really telling anyone where I am. Hush hush. I feel like this is a safe place I don’t have to put on an act and hide my thoughts I can finally let out in a safe environment how I’m feeling! Finally an acceptable place to be. Tomorrow is a new day because let’s face it I hope never to wake up but I will and I will try to study but will fail so I will sleep and that’s okay. The nurses will ask and I will tell them how I feel which will most likely be depressed and suicidal. 
Like I question why am I so suicidal? Nothing bad other than depression has happened and I know with bpd the thoughts are common but what are the statistics of suicide? I’m in chronic ideation and make plans but then I doubt the plans would work. I want so much to sleep forever and death just seems so easy. It’s quick and painless it’s just leaving my cat and my poor family to pick up the pieces of their now destroyed lives and remember their daughter who killed themselves. My family would be tainted forever. People would always remember me as a quitter and weak. So why? Do I want a different life for myself? Surely after years of dbt I have some skills. I do I know I do I just don’t care as if I like feeling this way maybe and I’m used to it. I can’t break the cycle. So is this my chance? This admission let it all out face it and overcome it and send it running for the hills because I need a life away from self harm, abuse and suicidal ideation. I deserve that life I just don’t have the confidence or self esteem to strive for it. Hello anxiety. Then that gets in my head then depression says hey don’t worry your too tired go lay down and remember what a failure you are. Yes thank you depression for your encouragement. Mental health is a curse, cancer is a curse. Diabetes these are all treatable conditions with the right medication and support. God help me! Lord hear my prayer please help me to be brave tomorrow, to find the courage to eat and not purge, to tell a nurse how I’m feeling and to know my pussy cat at home knows I love him and I’m coming back for him. Please lord grant me these things. Amen

Wednesday, 17 October 2018

Will you listen?

Nobody hears my screams in the dark, no one sees the blood as it flows. 
I’m broken, I don’t want an admission but it’s getting to that point. 6 weeks until my holiday but wil I make it? My heart just keeps beating and my liver keeps functioning stupid body. 
I just want to disappear and have everything go with it. Let the world alpocolypse happen though I want my cat to live and be happy. I need him safe. 
I’m giving up on social media. Seeing everyone live their lives and I’m just over here with my messy hair and bloodshot eyes. I’m a mess. Does anyone see me? Why do my lungs keep breathing? 
One breathe at a time I suppose.

Thursday, 11 October 2018

Between a rock and a hard place

I don’t know what I want but I’m constantly scared. I’m thinking about things I shouldn’t and I’m struggling so much. I’m sorry. 

Monday, 8 October 2018

Trouble

I can’t keep it together. I’m stuck in the cycle of self harm. I hit a vein tonight and it spurted out haha fair bit of blood actually. I love wounds and dressing them. Like being a nurse. I could have gone deeper but I just don’t feel it. I don’t know why I keep cutting like it’s an addiction. I have s towel I lay down and it’s drenched in blood. Stained forever. I tried to avoid cutting bu madly cleaning but it did nothing. I can’t go to hospital because I don’t need an admission so I took some extra olanzapine on top of my normal dose which will raise my prolactin levels more oh well I don’t really care anymore. I need to google 

Sunday, 7 October 2018

Not again

I don’t know. Cutting doesn’t relieve this feelings. Ribs hurt more but it’s not as satisfying as wrist. I’m so tired. I’m considering overdosing. Lethally or just below idk I don’t want to go to hospital but I can’t die and leave Phenoix. I was told to grow up to fight back but I just don’t care. I’m probably going to restrict tomorrow. I need to do something about this weight gain. I wanted a tattoo on my ribs but there’s too many scars it would hurt a fair bit I reckon. I can’t think

Saturday, 6 October 2018

I’m lost

I don’t know where I’m at I don’t know what I’m thinking. I just want to hurt myself. I’m so empty. My nightmares are so bad. I look fine on the outside but inside I’m drowning. I pretend I’m fine but who am I kidding. It’s going to be hot tomorrow which means short sleeves which means scars out bandages out. I’m so confused and dead inside. I literally eat and sleep. I have no motivation and everything is a chore. I know I’m loved I know I’m many things but I feel like nothing. I’ve pushed everyone away and time flies by so quick. I wish I was normal I wish I could interact properly I wish a lot of things. I have a mouth ulcer and it’s killing me hahaha I kill me. I think I might overdose I need to do something to knock me out. Knock me off the ledge. I’m trapped in this body and I want to set my soul free . 

That was my vent but now I’ve taken phenergan and temaze to go with my oxazepam haha hopefully a good sleep awaits. I’m so guilty. I don’t want a partner. I don’t want to destroy someone the way I destroy myself. I literally am a disaster but I smile and laugh my way through. I just need to cut but. Always a but: I regret it in the morning, I don’t want anymore scars, I don’t like letting my mum down, I don’t like being labelled psychotic, I don’t even get relief more satisfaction but even then I have to need stitches to know I’ve done a good job then I have to go into hospital and be admitted, I can’t afford that so I must overdose to fight these thoughts. Maybe under my bra line? So my bra will rub and hurt. Idk I have to I feel like I have no choice. Sighs* 

Tuesday, 2 October 2018

90

Today would have been grandpas 90th had he been alive. I don’t feel sad because he is already dead. If anything I almost resent him for dying? Classic abandonment issues here haha bpd. 
I have one more day of placement tomorrow and I can’t be bothered cutting myself tonight. I feel so strange like I keep saying I’m dead inside but I really am I’m so numb. It’s the only word oh maybe empty? Which I know is chronic bpd symptoms but really? Surely there is something going on here. I can feel physical pain but nothing emotionally I only know how to act because I’m smart enough to read situations. I be what I need to be whether that’s confident, agreeable or bagging. I’m a fraud. A complete fake. Acting is exhausting and doing placement is really tiring because I have to be switched on. I wonder if I will even be a nurse by the end of this or will I just fail. I think I’m setting myself up to fail. Gosh 

Monday, 1 October 2018

Numb as a /?$)?;

Here we are again boys and girls in bed by 7pm and contemplating death. Mainly cutting but where does that get me? I haven’t cut my wrists since before placement so that’s two weeks. But there’s no room on my wrists only room down my arm but I don’t want stitches I can’t keep doing this can I? It’s getting to nice weather and all you see on me is scars. It’s disgusting. I tell guliable patients it’s cat scratches haha fuck. Wish I could eat normally wish I could breathe normally. I just want to be hit by a truck and disappear. That would be for the best. 
I have a doctors appointment coming up this week and have to see one of the hot medical students first great get to embarrass myself some more and have them see how fucked in the head I am like do I even have opinions or do I just believe and go with what others say? I’m such a fake. So fake. Everyone thinks I’m so happy bubbly and confident and normal. I know we all have our demons but my demons want to destroy me. Every minute of every day. I’m so good st acting when really I’m numb so numb it’s depressing. Now I’m thinking after next two days I can cut again? Should I hold off? Or Just cut under bra line some more? Oh self harm thoughts will you ever leave me? 
Am I constantly dissociating or am I just dead inside? I can’t remember anything anymore and I’m barely passing uni. I do the work but my referencing is shit and my references are never credible fml if I fail a topic I will actually cry. Well no I don’t cry anymore but I would feel like crying! I wish I could cry and let emotions out like a normal person. Wow I’m an actual mess. But on the outside I have it all together. If I cut is that attention seeking cos I intend on getting stitches. Dang it. I don’t know if I can wait until after placement to cut. I need to feel and see I’m alive. It’s never enough. I will never be enough.