Tuesday, 28 August 2018
I don’t know
I’ve always been different. I’ve always had unstable relationships. Brief and incomplete. I’ve always seeked attention then isolate. I want people to care. But then I don’t really care if they do. I don’t really know what I am I just don’t understand. They say I’m borderline personality disorder but it’s so common. I don’t feel common. I don’t know others like me. I feel alone. Or maybe I want to be. I can’t stop cutting I just can’t. My ED and depression are all stemmed I believe from BPD and the anxiety is just thrown in there. I just don’t care for myself. I’m ashamed of my scars they are constant reminders and I can’t change that. I just want to keep cutting but I feel nothing. Nothing at all. I tell people what they want to hear and I act how I’m meant to act but really I’m nothing. I’m so scared. Scared all the time people will see me for who I really am. But people make assumptions and I can’t change that. I can’t control anything. I’m a hot mess. I don’t see my life unfolding. I can’t think ahead. I can’t plan a future because I don’t believe in it. I don’t believe in anything anymore. People don’t understand. But I understand others. I understand everything so clear. It’s black and it’s white but I know right from wrong. I have no control of my disordered speech. I’m just wasting time. I am nothing. This needs to end. But never is a good time. What am I? Who am I? What am I doing? Is this BPD!? I feel so different. My thoughts are so confusing. Zombie zombie zombie.