Wednesday, 22 August 2018

Help

Where do I begin? So I’ve decreased my olanzapine and completely stopped my lamotragine. So olanzapine gone from 20mg to 5 and baby I’m struggling! Yesterday I was convinced I was going to cut. The whole hour to uni all I could think was where I would and when I would do it. I bought bandages and searched to buy a scalpel but couldn’t find one. Then I got to uni and the girls reminded me I have a life to live and made me feel so pathetic in my thinking. They don’t want a class mate who cuts themselves like how fucked is that! I’m so embarrassed at uni and hold back because of my scars I don’t want them to see me as odd or fucked up but that ship has sailed. Any who that’s BPD then the depression has been so much better! I can’t explain it. But routine has been the best thing for me. And now the ED has popped up again. I wasn’t purging and I had gained weight and then BAM now I’m forgetting to eat but refusing to conform to eating at times on the clock I want to eat intuitively. So I’ve been starving unknowingly and then now purposely, only eating safe low calorie foods and coffee and diet cola. How did I end up back here? I don’t think I’m fat I just am afraid to eat and that I’m going to explode but I know if I was fat it wouldn’t matter like my life would still be the same? So why aren’t I eating???? Why feel this way? I can’t figure it out. Like I see the symptoms and my lips are dry, I’m bloated, I’m constantly hungry, I started excessively exercising as of today until I threw up and now my asthma is killing me. Like I might actually go to the doctors tomorrow it’s that bad. 
But it won’t stop me exercising. I’m already planning when to go out. Fuck these thoughts. Is it losing weight? What is it about this torture am I addicted to? Do I just want to destroy myself like? If it’s not one thing it’s the other. This constant tetor is hell but today I sat on the edge of a cliff and thought so I just end it now? I walked along the highway and thought about jumping in front of a truck. But my point is I chose not to and didn’t feel all that compelled to. So at long last I’m not suicidal but an ED is kind of suicidal. I just feel like such a fake being weight restored and struggling. Like people don’t notice. And I have so much food going to waste I can’t bring myself to eat. It’s so sad. I feel so useless! Worthless ! This is all in my head. I just need to eat. 
Oh and my doctor wrote s referral to see a new psychiatrist to basically assess my medications if nothing else, as suggested by my psychologist which I don’t think I really need any more or am I just manic anywho hue doctor wrote I was bullumic! I think maybe with my purging subtype he just remembered I purge and didn’t think about it. But I think that’s what may have sparked my relapse because I don’t want bullimia but what anorexia is okay? Haha ED logic. I just need to control myself that’s what it’s all about. Control. And I remembered they only started olanzapine for my ED so has reducing it done that? We will see. But I had gained 3kg out of no where and was blaming the olanzapine so we will see if I wasn’t so afraid to weigh myself . 
I don’t want to be sick. I want to thrive in nursing and live a life worth living and besides I’ve given all my small clothes away so I really need to maintain but can’t starving maintain? Oh so many thoughts in my head and no one to share them with. 
So I whinge on here sorry but it’s good to have somewhere to turn even though it probably scares and disturbs people. 
So I sit here now barely being able to breathe and watching the bachelor wishing I was one of these gorgeous girls but instead I am me and I look like a 16 year old and Do I think I will find someone? Not someone I want. I could get sex if I wanted but I don’t want the whole emotional thing. I honestly don’t think I have time for a relationship. 
For now I love my cat and he is my soul mate. 
I think that’s enough rambling for now. Good night 

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