But it won’t stop me exercising. I’m already planning when to go out. Fuck these thoughts. Is it losing weight? What is it about this torture am I addicted to? Do I just want to destroy myself like? If it’s not one thing it’s the other. This constant tetor is hell but today I sat on the edge of a cliff and thought so I just end it now? I walked along the highway and thought about jumping in front of a truck. But my point is I chose not to and didn’t feel all that compelled to. So at long last I’m not suicidal but an ED is kind of suicidal. I just feel like such a fake being weight restored and struggling. Like people don’t notice. And I have so much food going to waste I can’t bring myself to eat. It’s so sad. I feel so useless! Worthless ! This is all in my head. I just need to eat.
Oh and my doctor wrote s referral to see a new psychiatrist to basically assess my medications if nothing else, as suggested by my psychologist which I don’t think I really need any more or am I just manic anywho hue doctor wrote I was bullumic! I think maybe with my purging subtype he just remembered I purge and didn’t think about it. But I think that’s what may have sparked my relapse because I don’t want bullimia but what anorexia is okay? Haha ED logic. I just need to control myself that’s what it’s all about. Control. And I remembered they only started olanzapine for my ED so has reducing it done that? We will see. But I had gained 3kg out of no where and was blaming the olanzapine so we will see if I wasn’t so afraid to weigh myself .
I don’t want to be sick. I want to thrive in nursing and live a life worth living and besides I’ve given all my small clothes away so I really need to maintain but can’t starving maintain? Oh so many thoughts in my head and no one to share them with.
So I whinge on here sorry but it’s good to have somewhere to turn even though it probably scares and disturbs people.
So I sit here now barely being able to breathe and watching the bachelor wishing I was one of these gorgeous girls but instead I am me and I look like a 16 year old and Do I think I will find someone? Not someone I want. I could get sex if I wanted but I don’t want the whole emotional thing. I honestly don’t think I have time for a relationship.
For now I love my cat and he is my soul mate.
I think that’s enough rambling for now. Good night
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