Friday, 31 August 2018
I let everyone down including myself. I just have to cut. And now I need stitches which I won’t be getting because I’m too ashamed to seek help. I do my placement in the same hospital in 3 weeks I can’t have them looking at me like this. No personality at all. I’m a mess now but will hopefully wake up a different person again. I’m so numb and lost in emotion. I’m so ashamed. How do we pretend everything is okay. I’m so fu-(cked
Tuesday, 28 August 2018
I’ve always been different. I’ve always had unstable relationships. Brief and incomplete. I’ve always seeked attention then isolate. I want people to care. But then I don’t really care if they do. I don’t really know what I am I just don’t understand. They say I’m borderline personality disorder but it’s so common. I don’t feel common. I don’t know others like me. I feel alone. Or maybe I want to be. I can’t stop cutting I just can’t. My ED and depression are all stemmed I believe from BPD and the anxiety is just thrown in there. I just don’t care for myself. I’m ashamed of my scars they are constant reminders and I can’t change that. I just want to keep cutting but I feel nothing. Nothing at all. I tell people what they want to hear and I act how I’m meant to act but really I’m nothing. I’m so scared. Scared all the time people will see me for who I really am. But people make assumptions and I can’t change that. I can’t control anything. I’m a hot mess. I don’t see my life unfolding. I can’t think ahead. I can’t plan a future because I don’t believe in it. I don’t believe in anything anymore. People don’t understand. But I understand others. I understand everything so clear. It’s black and it’s white but I know right from wrong. I have no control of my disordered speech. I’m just wasting time. I am nothing. This needs to end. But never is a good time. What am I? Who am I? What am I doing? Is this BPD!? I feel so different. My thoughts are so confusing. Zombie zombie zombie.
Monday, 27 August 2018
So here we are . I’ve come out the other side of the relapse pro recovery. Talk about an anorexic bipolar moment but fuck I don’t care what I weigh and why should i? I’m going to eat intuitively when I’m hungry and what I want. Ain’t no banana bread going to hold me back. And now I’ve run out of pantoprazole and forgot to get a script for it my stomach acid is intense but I feel like I’m actually digesting better? If but I’m not going to let this illness be the death of me again. What a statement haha. I’ve realised I love chocolate so I’m going to eat chocolate; simple. I can’t work and study without fueling my body it’s stupid and setting me up to fail. I see that now and I put my job and nursing career first.
I’m also fighting a terrible cold! It’s been on and off for weeks I hate this is rsyher just have it and recover not take a tablet or syrup constantly. I take so many vitamins like literally must be doing something right!
Intensive day at uni tomorrow doing easy peasy stuff. Smash it no doubt. Looking forward to placement in September. Time to shine. / Make it or break it. I realise I am a good person and my ideals are good. I’m proud of who I am becoming. Judy hope I’ll make a good Mum one day. If I ever get married like I just don’t see it on the cards for me I see a career and cats. Which is fine but I wanna be knocked up at some point lol I need to study more but my energy is 0. My care factor is 0 and I’m pretty sure I failed that test today because the time limit scared me and I didn’t bother finding the right diagrams.
I think I need to up my olanzapine cos every emotion I think I feel I just think I need to cut myself. Like all I wanna do is cut. It’s so distracting but I can’t get stitches cos I refuse to be that embarrassed and Let my emotions show. Like I cut my ribs now but what do I do come summer in a bikini? It just seems I might as well cut my wrists and have people find out. I’ve got it mapped out where to cut and oh when I do I’ll feel so accomplished and content. And probably nothing at all. Cutting is such an unhelpful behaviour but all I’m good at. What’s one more scar? People already stare. I like looking after wounds. Maybe I like something being wrong with me. Am I that fucked up? Am I attention seeking? I don’t know what I am but this is the only place I display my thoughts. I need to sleep but I need to cut but it’s never deep enough and then I can’t stop. No more scars. They never fade. Red and ugly. I’m such a fool. This is classic BPD. Classic borderline stuff. And there’s nothing to fix that you can only manage it so maybe I should take my medication but is therapy a waste of time? Like depression is s part of BPD that’s not going to change. I’m not going to change.
Thursday, 23 August 2018
I’m sorry to report I’ve made some more stupid decisions and don’t know what’s going to happen. Not one person understands what’s going on. I can’t confide in anyone properly. I’m dying inside and I can’t even cry because I can’t feel a fucking thing.i can’t get help because no one can help me. I can’t ring a hot line and waste their time I’m just dangling with dangerous behaviours. Soon I will be unconscious and soon I will be happy. I am safe. I have my cat. I have work tomorrow but how. How can I conform to society like this. Fake this. God I need help but I won’t accept it. It’s just time
Wednesday, 22 August 2018
This is hell. It’s been what three days and I know this is hell and it’s all wrong wrong wrong wrong. No one wants this life of dry skin and constipation and feeling like death all the time, having no energy being fed bycan NG tube omg just fucking eat something.
I had to google what this feeling was in the back of my throat and I realised it’s hunger! How messed up is that. I’m literally in tears because this is so humiliating and pathetic. I just need to eat but this mindset is killing me. I feel like going for a run now. I’m cold and coughing but I’m thinking of going for another run? Then maybe I can sleep. Yes good idea. Off I go now
Where do I begin? So I’ve decreased my olanzapine and completely stopped my lamotragine. So olanzapine gone from 20mg to 5 and baby I’m struggling! Yesterday I was convinced I was going to cut. The whole hour to uni all I could think was where I would and when I would do it. I bought bandages and searched to buy a scalpel but couldn’t find one. Then I got to uni and the girls reminded me I have a life to live and made me feel so pathetic in my thinking. They don’t want a class mate who cuts themselves like how fucked is that! I’m so embarrassed at uni and hold back because of my scars I don’t want them to see me as odd or fucked up but that ship has sailed. Any who that’s BPD then the depression has been so much better! I can’t explain it. But routine has been the best thing for me. And now the ED has popped up again. I wasn’t purging and I had gained weight and then BAM now I’m forgetting to eat but refusing to conform to eating at times on the clock I want to eat intuitively. So I’ve been starving unknowingly and then now purposely, only eating safe low calorie foods and coffee and diet cola. How did I end up back here? I don’t think I’m fat I just am afraid to eat and that I’m going to explode but I know if I was fat it wouldn’t matter like my life would still be the same? So why aren’t I eating???? Why feel this way? I can’t figure it out. Like I see the symptoms and my lips are dry, I’m bloated, I’m constantly hungry, I started excessively exercising as of today until I threw up and now my asthma is killing me. Like I might actually go to the doctors tomorrow it’s that bad.
But it won’t stop me exercising. I’m already planning when to go out. Fuck these thoughts. Is it losing weight? What is it about this torture am I addicted to? Do I just want to destroy myself like? If it’s not one thing it’s the other. This constant tetor is hell but today I sat on the edge of a cliff and thought so I just end it now? I walked along the highway and thought about jumping in front of a truck. But my point is I chose not to and didn’t feel all that compelled to. So at long last I’m not suicidal but an ED is kind of suicidal. I just feel like such a fake being weight restored and struggling. Like people don’t notice. And I have so much food going to waste I can’t bring myself to eat. It’s so sad. I feel so useless! Worthless ! This is all in my head. I just need to eat.
Oh and my doctor wrote s referral to see a new psychiatrist to basically assess my medications if nothing else, as suggested by my psychologist which I don’t think I really need any more or am I just manic anywho hue doctor wrote I was bullumic! I think maybe with my purging subtype he just remembered I purge and didn’t think about it. But I think that’s what may have sparked my relapse because I don’t want bullimia but what anorexia is okay? Haha ED logic. I just need to control myself that’s what it’s all about. Control. And I remembered they only started olanzapine for my ED so has reducing it done that? We will see. But I had gained 3kg out of no where and was blaming the olanzapine so we will see if I wasn’t so afraid to weigh myself .
I don’t want to be sick. I want to thrive in nursing and live a life worth living and besides I’ve given all my small clothes away so I really need to maintain but can’t starving maintain? Oh so many thoughts in my head and no one to share them with.
So I whinge on here sorry but it’s good to have somewhere to turn even though it probably scares and disturbs people.
So I sit here now barely being able to breathe and watching the bachelor wishing I was one of these gorgeous girls but instead I am me and I look like a 16 year old and Do I think I will find someone? Not someone I want. I could get sex if I wanted but I don’t want the whole emotional thing. I honestly don’t think I have time for a relationship.
For now I love my cat and he is my soul mate.
I think that’s enough rambling for now. Good night