Friday, 20 July 2018

The hole

It started slowly now it’s out of control. I can’t do this not again. I must maintain regular eating. I must not purge and I should try to meet a calorie minimum but fuck eating is hard. Or I’m just overthinking it. Apparently I look tired and worn out. Well I bloody feel it. I’m so scared. This won’t kill me quick but is that why I’m resorting to this behaviour? As it subconsciously leads me down that path? This is torture. Why do this to yourself? Who are you trying to impress or prove this to? I’ve been the anorexic one I’ve been that sad girl now it’s time to leave this burrow and live life! That’s my attempt on positivity. Who am I kidding? Tomorrow will be worse as I slowly restrict but I won’t lose because it won’t last. I’ve just got to ride this wave. This will be over soon. Hang in there sare! But surely omg there I go again justifying my behaviour. “ fruit is safe” so I’m eating more fruit, specifically jelly fruit cups. Please lord help me. And just to add to complaints my neck is killing me. And I spent all of my day not noticing how bad my tanning face gel looked. One more day of this stint then back to nights next week after 3 days of uni. Over this already, this never ends. I’m exhausted I just want to crawl deeper into my hole and sleep. That would be lovely. 

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