Monday, 16 July 2018

It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to

It’s finally the day after my birthday the day I wanted to sleep, and I did, overall though it was an unexpected productive day. My mums trying to help me as much as possible. So washed my car! After buggy racing on the weekend. Last time in the buggy was pretty sad but I had my best friend come to visit Saturday night and we ate so much food I’m still exploding and have gained a kg but do I really care? Yes I do. Has it impacted what I eat? Yes and no. Do I purge as a result? Yes unfortunately fuck. I’ve taken prn because I felt this coming on. Do I miss looking anorexic? Yes. Have I really changed? I believe so yes. Do I want a relationship with someone? Not really. Do I isolate? Heck yes haha am I happy doing so? Mostly yes. I don’t get out much, bed and suicidal thoughts are too consuming. But alas I got my uni results today and I got two distinctions and two passes ! So I’m very happy. Actual felt proud and my parents were proud too which melted me. All my hard work paid off I can’t believe it. Can I do this? Hell yes I can. Will I stay committed? I’ll try. But I’m starting to see a future well I’ve planned a holiday in November and placement in September. I have a future I just need to see it and trust it. I’ve got the. I think? Trust Sarah! You will achieve ! Will I ? Argh so many questions not enough answers. I’m in pieces but I’m functioning solely. I don’t want to weigh myself tomorrow as it will decide what I consume as it slowly consumes me. Argh this battle never ends. I just wish my body reflected it because all I get is stomach cramps and pain constantly. But today wasn’t too bad thanks to a lot of medication. Gosh all I do is take medicine. I can’t imagine not taking tablets I feel like a drug addiction and I probably am because I have a tablet for every symptom, I’m so ashamed of it but I have to cope and it’s all I can do. 
Like all I really want to do right now is cut but I have work for the next few days fuck. And my razor is blunt , jagged and rusty. I could break glass but I got given them for my birthday so I couldn’t dare. I can’t be this stupid. I could always burn but that’s too obvious and I like to see the blood flow. Wow that’s addiction. I need a new scalpel or something. What am I thinking? Every day I don’t self harm I get stronger. So I mustn’t. Fuck 

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