Wednesday, 25 July 2018

Nightmares

So many nightmares. I got through today but now I’m crying. Maybe I shouldn’t have reduced my medication but what have I got to lose? I’m already a mess. I don’t know if can handle uni. It’s so much work but without it I’m nothing. I hate trying to plan a future it leaves be so open to vulnerability. I know my issues I know I’m depressed that’s why I get nightmares. I never grew out of it. I never grew up. I’m just a child trapped in this hell of a body. This bodyvi keep trying to destroy. This body I keep harming. Probably haven’t self harmed in 3 weeks. I’m about due but I’ve been doing really well I thought? I’m just so sick of life and all it’s antics. All this mumbo jumbo crap people pull. How long do I have to put up with this shit? How long do I have to be alone? Where is my cat when I need him? 

Tuesday, 24 July 2018

Anger

I’m so angry. About life about everything. Why and how are people so stupid? You reply and leave me out of it. I have no friends because I chose not to dwell on relationships. I’m not a relationship person so I’m going to end up old and alone. Idk what my standards are but old and alone is my future. Maybe a few cats. Fuck knows with nursing I can’t handle the maths side of as I’m too darn thick so fml there. Ditched uni today and just watched greys anatomy now been in bed since 7 because why not? Bed is the only place I can be myself. I can lie here and know nothing is perfect, I can solve life issues and I can kinda relax. Yes I’m s hermit yes I look forward to bed time but fuck what else do I have? Unibtomortow. Kmn I’m so sick of bulkshit. I keep meeting shitty people but I want to fit in but then apart of me doesn’t care doesn’t get involved in politics. I think maybe I should just be a carer and go no where else in life so I’d have more time to sleep. They don’t like me at work anyway. I need to just get rid of myself and stop burdening everyone. Fuck I’m a burden on the system 

Friday, 20 July 2018

The hole

It started slowly now it’s out of control. I can’t do this not again. I must maintain regular eating. I must not purge and I should try to meet a calorie minimum but fuck eating is hard. Or I’m just overthinking it. Apparently I look tired and worn out. Well I bloody feel it. I’m so scared. This won’t kill me quick but is that why I’m resorting to this behaviour? As it subconsciously leads me down that path? This is torture. Why do this to yourself? Who are you trying to impress or prove this to? I’ve been the anorexic one I’ve been that sad girl now it’s time to leave this burrow and live life! That’s my attempt on positivity. Who am I kidding? Tomorrow will be worse as I slowly restrict but I won’t lose because it won’t last. I’ve just got to ride this wave. This will be over soon. Hang in there sare! But surely omg there I go again justifying my behaviour. “ fruit is safe” so I’m eating more fruit, specifically jelly fruit cups. Please lord help me. And just to add to complaints my neck is killing me. And I spent all of my day not noticing how bad my tanning face gel looked. One more day of this stint then back to nights next week after 3 days of uni. Over this already, this never ends. I’m exhausted I just want to crawl deeper into my hole and sleep. That would be lovely. 

Tuesday, 17 July 2018

Idk anymore

I’m not sure what I’m thinking. I’m determined not to settle in this body. I must lose weight and be small again. I’ve done it twice I can relapse again. When will it kill me? Is that what I’m hanging on to? Do I miss the attention of people worrying about me. Probably worse now actually I just don’t know what way to turn. I don’t understand this body and I don’t want to. I feed myself and I shower two major wins everyday, two commitments to living. Work tomorrow and I’m stressing. Then work every day for 4 days. Where will I find the energy of motivation? Fuck my life haha dramatic I know but I just want to sleep. This depression is exhausting, 
Medication to numb the soul and sedate me before I do something I’ll regret. I’m so lonely. I’m in black. I feel nothing 

Monday, 16 July 2018

It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to

It’s finally the day after my birthday the day I wanted to sleep, and I did, overall though it was an unexpected productive day. My mums trying to help me as much as possible. So washed my car! After buggy racing on the weekend. Last time in the buggy was pretty sad but I had my best friend come to visit Saturday night and we ate so much food I’m still exploding and have gained a kg but do I really care? Yes I do. Has it impacted what I eat? Yes and no. Do I purge as a result? Yes unfortunately fuck. I’ve taken prn because I felt this coming on. Do I miss looking anorexic? Yes. Have I really changed? I believe so yes. Do I want a relationship with someone? Not really. Do I isolate? Heck yes haha am I happy doing so? Mostly yes. I don’t get out much, bed and suicidal thoughts are too consuming. But alas I got my uni results today and I got two distinctions and two passes ! So I’m very happy. Actual felt proud and my parents were proud too which melted me. All my hard work paid off I can’t believe it. Can I do this? Hell yes I can. Will I stay committed? I’ll try. But I’m starting to see a future well I’ve planned a holiday in November and placement in September. I have a future I just need to see it and trust it. I’ve got the. I think? Trust Sarah! You will achieve ! Will I ? Argh so many questions not enough answers. I’m in pieces but I’m functioning solely. I don’t want to weigh myself tomorrow as it will decide what I consume as it slowly consumes me. Argh this battle never ends. I just wish my body reflected it because all I get is stomach cramps and pain constantly. But today wasn’t too bad thanks to a lot of medication. Gosh all I do is take medicine. I can’t imagine not taking tablets I feel like a drug addiction and I probably am because I have a tablet for every symptom, I’m so ashamed of it but I have to cope and it’s all I can do. 
Like all I really want to do right now is cut but I have work for the next few days fuck. And my razor is blunt , jagged and rusty. I could break glass but I got given them for my birthday so I couldn’t dare. I can’t be this stupid. I could always burn but that’s too obvious and I like to see the blood flow. Wow that’s addiction. I need a new scalpel or something. What am I thinking? Every day I don’t self harm I get stronger. So I mustn’t. Fuck 

Friday, 13 July 2018

Before I go

Before I fade in to neverland I had some thoughts so I thought I’d write them down. 
So I feel like my confidence as I get older is diminishing as my depression grows. Some things I did a year ago I could not do today. I feel so conflicted that everything is a chore. An exhausting chore that never ends. I’m tired. So so tired. I just want to crawl up into a ball in bed and lay here forever. That would please me. I’m just done

Thursday, 12 July 2018

Positive

I’m sick of being told to be positive. Life is not positive I am not positive. Things will get better, well maybe they wont. Maybe this is it. It’s my birthday this Sunday and I couldn’t care less. Does anyone else care? I’m not sure. This isn’t going to just go away. I’m so down this time. It crushes me. I’m too tired to care or to do anything about this. I don’t know what else to say

Saturday, 7 July 2018

Surviving not thriving.

My head hurts probably my only symptom other then numb as a $)(;nt. Why am I fading? I’m out of control. I’m falling apart and you don’t know. No one knows how long I can keep this act up. I’ve taken my prn because I know it’s coming. This foreboding feeling, it dissolves me

Friday, 6 July 2018

Help

Trigger ⚠️ warning-
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Will this blog be my legacy when I die? Because I take comfort this will kill me. Whether I’m planning my suicide or not it’s going to happen probably accidentally because I just don’t care. I don’t care about anything. I showered at 2:30 pm today because I knew I couldn’t be fucked now but I just stood there letting the boiling water burn me. I know people care about me and I’m loved but does that matter? It doesn’t change how I feel about death. I’m hanging on by a thread or am I hanging from an extension chord in the garage? What the fuck am I doing to myself and I know I know I’m being dramatic. It’s Sarah being Sarah. No one gets me! No one understands. Well J understands and E. My mental health friends but I can’t put into words how I’m feeling why I’m crying I can’t comprehend what’s going on. I’m so lost and I know how cliche that is but you don’t understand!!! I’m dying inside and no one can save me from myself. Every day I act I play the part and I shut up, then come nighttime I realise how I’m bullshitting everyone and that I just can’t do this forever. I need to change or I’m going to die. Will I wither into nothing? Most likely. Just a number in the system. There’s no point to any of this. I just want to disappear I just want to fade away, 

Wednesday, 4 July 2018

Admiration in progress

Others are so smart and logical and I just feel like a blank canvas like I just stare at them and their wisdom while I breathe because that’s all I’m capable of. I’m so frikken stupid or maybe just doped out on meds. **Sighs ** I Just want to be okay but do I need someone to validate that? What is my life? Who am I even trying to be? Just be me but me is so blank. I’m not who I used to be but why not who even was that outgoing silly girl? And who is this oblivious annoying depressed person? 

Tuesday, 3 July 2018

Cancel out

I’m in a bad patch that much I know. Giving it my all not to cut because we all know it achieves marks that don’t fade. I don’t know what I’m thinking and I don’t know where I’m going. I’m not enough for you. I’m going to be alone for a long time because I can’t accept anyone into my life not because I’m not ready but because I’m isolating. I don’t feel like anyone takes me seriously. Is my situation mild? Am I nothing? I’m superficial. Don’t worry about me because I’m already dead inside. Do I cut more so people know I’m serious that the thoughts are real. How do I make people understand when I don’t even understand myself. I’m so thankful for my cat. I don’t want to fail. I want to go places I do want a future I suppose I just have these thoughts and voices in my head telling me to fail. Am I a mistake? Why do I put myself in these situations. Why do I write these thoughts? You tell me to write so I do. It’s meaningless and superficial but maybe I shouldn’t worry about helping others and help myself. I don’t want to make mistakes but I also understand that’s how we learn and grow. I know nothing and yet I know everything. Why don’t I convert this effort and knowledge into smarts and ace my nursing. I’m going to nail this shit and I’m going to find a facade of happiness. 

Monday, 2 July 2018

These days

I don’t know why I feel the way I feel. I don’t understand anything. We just make money to spend money. Everything is from mundane to extreme and I can’t understand. I cling to medication cos it keeps me hanging on but I’m so worried about the world about life about myself about others, about the future about the present I just can’t handle this feeling of hopelessness. Do I cut to take my mind off things but what’s the point it just leaves more scars. I have enough. I’m so afraid of everything. I can’t handle this sober. What the hell is going on? 

I wish I could say something that would help someone. I wish this wasn’t all for nothing.