Tuesday, 5 June 2018
The broken break us
So I was fine. Well not really but I ventured to uni anyway though it was a class of 4. I did what I had to. I was in control and then my heart started racing and my chest was pounding. I had to leave. It always happens after lunch and I couldn’t handle it. I had diarrhoea and felt like I was going to be sick and alas I was several times on the drive home. I took my meds and talked to someone. I had to pull over from crying and screaming. I was not in control. My medication needs to be taken regularly but the more I take it the more hypnotic state I’m in and can’t retain new information. I’m a zombie. Can I really do this degree in another state of mind? I’m basically comatosed. I don’t know the stress is killing me. Not the uni work but the classes. Is this really what I want? Will I make a good nurse? I think I could but how far must I push myself through unnecessary stress that is irrelevant to uni. I just feel I’m going no where which is so untrue because I’m growing as a person and becoming a better human being. Maybe I’m freaking out because I’m scared I will love what I become? I’m scared of applying myself and scared of achieving great things. And on the other hand headspace keep contacting me but in a months time I will be too old for their services so what the hec do I do now? I can’t afford a psychologist in my town so I will continue my psychiatrist from SEDS appts.
I can’t drop uni because I don’t want to fall behind the others. But my mind is in pieces and I’m broke. Dear oh dear. I just want to escape and read my novel but I’m oh so tired so I must try to sleep. I love bed.