Monday, 11 June 2018

Questions

I question everything. I’m not present. I’m nothing. I’m so lost. I I I. I’m fine. Im just not honest with anyone wait there is ONE person I can be fully honest with J. You know who you are. Judge me hate me I couldn’t care. I’m drowning in a world of tears. I breathe in combustion. Fuck. I keep telling myself I’m fine I’m fine but I’m not. My anorexia has been back for months and I’m going to weigh myself in the morning and the number will only motivate me. Whether it’s high or low. I will lose this excess. I’m comfortable with this. But I’m not? I know I won’t be happy? Do I want it to kill me this time? I don’t know but I need to run. Tomorrow is a new day. By an attempt of gaining control I will lose control. I like being around others as it gives me permission to eat but when I’m alone it’s different. I’m so disappointed in myself. Is this part of my bpd? I’m scared. This foreboding feeling is iminant. Ana is back and she says she staying, but really did she ever leave? 8 years of hell. Fml. What is wrong with me 

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