Tuesday, 12 June 2018
Love? Pain? Depression? Life? Medication? Living within these holes we fade away. I feel so ——-. I want to —————-. Please. Why?
I feel the burn of the flame on my skin as it seeps into my blood. My blood it flows. How I fail. I’m sorry. Why?
I do it all. I know what to do, I have the help but I’m so stubborn and maladaptive like what do I like this??? Do I rely on others? Why can’t I be in charge of my own life. Sighs*** but I am she says. That’s the power and yet here I am in pjamas at 5pm and overdosing to sleep even though I’m forever exhausted.
I’ve googled it and I’m diagnosing NISD, nighttime induced suicidal disorder. Never heard of it? Neither have I because I just made it up. But I did google my questions. Mentioned about bipolar swings but nothing as quick as my okay day to nighttime suicidal depression. They mentioned something about when your routine slows down the symptoms seap in. Probably has some truth to it. Idk what I’m talking about though I’m sick of diagnosis I’m sick and tired of “illness”. I feel bad so many people try to help me but can’t because I’m just a stupid idiot withering in the shadows of death. I’m obviously comfortable here. Fuck I just want to cut fuck fuck fuck