Sunday, 10 June 2018

No ones going to save me not even myself

Here we are again. Writing in my suicide note book. Going to plan my funeral actually. Makes me happy to know I will die one day. Just need to take that last breathe. Let go. Because I don’t know what I’m holding onto. I can’t leave I can’t disappear. What has and what will become of me? Will I ever be a nurse? Will I ever be a mother? Will I ever be happy? I feel like I will never die but the end is probably closer than I think and I should take comfort in that. 
My negativity has no end I know. I don’t mean to be so pessimistic but alas I am. I can’t see the good I do and I can’t see it within myself. I can’t allow myself to ever love I can’t allow myself to feel. I am numb. I need to cut but what good will it do? Momentary pleasure but it won’t last. I know people care I know too much about life about death. I’m in too deep. I can’t handle this. I’m not going to die from these tablets but they numb the darkness even just for a moment. I am a zombie but I’m alive? What’s worse? Living in this despair or living in fear? Of disappointing others, well I do that anyway. Would they be better off without me. Probably. I just need to do the right thing and let them go. I need to push everyone away and I need to disappear. My cat won’t live forever. I can understand those that kill their families. Saving them from this world so full of hate. Who am I kidding? Why do I do this too myself? I’m too close. I’m going to always be alone because I can’t love I can’t feel. I know who I am and what to do? But for what ? Why? Why bother about a life I will never know. I don’t think I’m even depressed. I’m probably not borderline. I’m dead already. I take pleasure in anorexia. Now Tomorrow. I tell myself now I will starve because it hurts less. But I’m starved of oxygen. I’m drowning so deep and each day I come up for air I a wave takes me. I make myself oblivious and I breathe. I am nothing. Just a mind in a corpse of hate and negativity. Positive affirmations sure but the thoughts come back. Why can’t anyone understand???? I’m so lost I can’t explain. I’m such a ducking mess. I need to isolate I need to disappear. The drugs are working and I think I’m finally falling asleep 

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