Wednesday, 13 June 2018
Lonely but not alone
I can see myself on surfers paradise beach. The air blows calmly as my feet sink into the soft sand. The waves crash by as it races up to my feet. The water chills me but I’ve never felt so alive. Couples walk past holding hands, children build castles in the sand as I walk on by; I’m in heaven. This feeling in my chest dissipated as I know this is where I’m meant to be. I breathe in the salty air. The freedom of breaking free. Though I am alone. Surrounded by strangers but I’m not judged I tell myself. I’m calm, I have surrendered. I have found peace.
But alas I am not on the Gold Coast right now, though alone I lay in bed with these sad thoughts and dream of better days. Will I love? Will I be loved? I don’t know. I just breathe this stale air and let the blood stain my wrists. I’m crashing, I’m falling yet I’m ever so calm. I’m drugged. I will have nightmares tonight that’s an indefinite problem but I will sweat out the fear. I’ve always dealt with nightmares it’s not going to change anytime soon. I accept that.
I will dream of flames and burning, fears of eating crying, children lay dying and feel the pain of it all.
I am alone and I think that’s how it’s meant to be. Waiting for someone to come along but I know better. I could confess more but I’m depressed enough tonight. Good night my pretties xx