Friday, 22 June 2018
So today was a fucking terrible but positive day?
I woke up a mess shaking heartcracing so I immediately reached for medication. Which calmed me down enough but the exam was a sham. I cocked it up I just know, it was nothing like the practice exam. Oh well. I feel like everyone tries so hard at uni and I just cruise like I half arse everything. Imagine if I applied myself but that’s justvit I cbf even though it’s what I want. Oh well repeating the topic would be beneficial for my own personal knowledge.
Then my psych appointment! When reasonably well, didn’t get through everything but ‘‘twas a long session. But it’s got me thinking. Crazy people don’t know their crazy, whereas I call myself crazy so really I’m not that crazy. Just off. Just fucked up. I shared things today that I’ve bottled up for years and it felt so good to let them out and be honest.
Lying here with my cat I couldn’t be happier after taking pills.
Had an argument with a skilled knowledgeable friend who tells me I’m in a box. And he is right as soon as I accept a diagnosis I put myself in that box and take comfort in it. Fuck. But how do I break out of the box is my issue? I’ve been drilled into the box so many times it’s almost like I’m trying to be there. But I’m not I want out! I just want to feel happiness! Feel joy from things not superficial so I guess we get that from relationships? God has a plan for me but I question that plan but I must trust it. I will find someone one day, one day soon I hope because I am lonely. I crave an intimate relationship. Omg I just saw the time! Enough blabbering. Good night