Thursday, 28 June 2018

Paper

I feel like a screwed up piece of paper blown around in the wind; then at night I unravel it and try to read the misprint through the blotches of blood and tears. 
I am a seed dried up in the sun without water. Without protection. flourishing without purpose. 
I am a waste of space. I improve nothing in this world. I make no difference. No one does. Leave it to God and trust in his plan. What if god has forgotten about me and left me in his to do pile? I think this is the case. Give her imposed moments of happiness and she’ll be right mate. 

Tuesday, 26 June 2018

Ha

So I wasn’t in a good way when an old school friend messaged and asks how I am. So sweet of someone to care! Only to proceed to send Dick pics and “wants to rip my clothes off” how stupid of me to think that someone actually cared. Is this just the male type? What is it with them. Why is everything in life about sex. I can’t trust anyone I can’t be anyone. I am nothing. So I did what one does in this situation. And the relief came over me or maybe it’s the overdose kicking in either way what’s in the past is done I can only move on as this numb mess/disaster of a human I am

Time.

I hate this rut I’ve put myself in. I’m like the big green eyed monster. Jealous of so many people getting engaged, married and having babies and I don’t have anywhere close to that. It’s hard being single. Like some people prefer this but I’m at the stage in my life where I have love to give and I want it back. All I can hope is that through my nursing degree I grow as an advocate, a mother, a person and have so much to offer the world that it will happen in the right time. With the right people. Surrounding yourself with positive influences and scare off the negatives. All will come in time. Just wait. I want it now. I’ve never been patient. But this is lifelong so I should take all the time I need. I just feel like I have no future, I tell myself I don’t because I’m surrounded by this box I’ve put myself in and I need to break out. I need to plan and I need to accomplish. 
If I failed my exam so be it I retake the topic and benefit from learning and understanding more. It will be what it will be. 

Sunday, 24 June 2018

Suicidal

Okay so I’m still thinking on my feet here and I think so suicidal I’m st the point where it’s normal? Like I accept death and welcome it in a way but I actually don’t want to die I just want to survive. I really don’t care about myself I’m just living each day. I don’t really care about anything okay now that’s cliche. I care but I don’t? I just want to sleep forever. I know this is the borderline talking and also the depression but to just give up is another thing. What am I doing 

Love

Alright alright I call bullshit on love. Is there such a thing or is it just made up? Like I understand the unconditional love from a parent but not all parents like their children but do they love them? and can you have someone else love you unconditionally even though they can never truely know or understand you? Everything is out of your control. Though they say you can’t control who you love. Well I call that bullshit too I think you can admire someone and be drawn to them but throwing the word love around isn’t correct. And I’m guilty I thought I loved when actually I liked. We fall in and out but if we were really unconditional love wouldn’t it stay unconditional? You see my scepticism. Personally I don’t believe in love. I believe it was labelled as a set of off emotions how we react to people we accept. Love thy neighbour as god loves us. Well god shows us his love by sending his only son to die for us. But can we return that love? Are we obliged to? Why do we have wars? Why should people sacrifice loved ones. Why do our loved ones die and we keep loving and longing for them? How is it possible to love someone you never met? Again with the unconditional. I don’t even know if I believe in emotions because really we should be able to contain ourselves and control but what if we lose control and just resonate? Is that thinking too hard? No wonder I’ve been getting headaches lately fml . But I think we are all chasing after something that doesn’t exist. And in that case what about soul mates? Is there such a thing? Of course not as we can “love” more then one person before or after time. Can my cat be my soul mate? What are animals to us? Can animals love or do they just show affection to be fed. Positive feedback. Positive reassurance I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m trying to discuss here I’m just so confused and depressed that I’m alone and probably always going to be because I don’t leave my box. I don’t venture and I don’t socialise. But then shouldn’t I trust the right people will find me no? You need to get out and make it happen. Which I don’t do I will Judy have to accept I won’t get married because that is rare and babies well they just legalised abortions so who the fuck knows anymore. I actually don’t know what I believe anymore and that upsets me. I hate not having justification and meaning. Ffs 

Friday, 22 June 2018

Crazy talk

So today was a fucking terrible but positive day? 
I woke up a mess shaking heartcracing so I immediately reached for medication. Which calmed me down enough but the exam was a sham. I cocked it up I just know, it was nothing like the practice exam. Oh well. I feel like everyone tries so hard at uni and I just cruise like I half arse everything. Imagine if I applied myself but that’s justvit I cbf even though it’s what I want. Oh well repeating the topic would be beneficial for my own personal knowledge. 

Then my psych appointment! When reasonably well, didn’t get through everything but ‘‘twas a long session. But it’s got me thinking. Crazy people don’t know their crazy, whereas I call myself crazy so really I’m not that crazy. Just off. Just fucked up. I shared things today that I’ve bottled up for years and it felt so good to let them out and be honest. 

Lying here with my cat I couldn’t be happier after taking pills. 
Had an argument with a skilled knowledgeable friend who tells me I’m in a box. And he is right as soon as I accept a diagnosis I put myself in that box and take comfort in it. Fuck. But how do I break out of the box is my issue? I’ve been drilled into the box so many times it’s almost like I’m trying to be there. But I’m not I want out! I just want to feel happiness! Feel joy from things not superficial so I guess we get that from relationships? God has a plan for me but I question that plan but I must trust it. I will find someone one day, one day soon I hope because I am lonely. I crave an intimate relationship. Omg I just saw the time! Enough blabbering. Good night 

Wednesday, 20 June 2018

Thy worry thy self

Oops I did it again. Bit of this bit of that and maybe you’ll have a solid sleep or maybe you drown on your own vomit as your heart slows. Either way. T minus one day till my exam if I don’t commit in the meantime. Still have a pulse. Still here folks. I had to do this to myself because I’m so embarrassed of who I am and the things I say and do. I’m a train wreck without a destination. A flower without petals. I am dirt on the ground. 
Fucking hell I know what I want why am I doing this to myself? How can someone so smart be so stupid. Wow I do need a psych. I am due for an admission but I don’t wanna be the patient anymore I want to be the nurse. 
I need to sleep.

Update: parents came to see me after someone rang them after something I posted on social media. They think I’m five though that’s it’s Just the exam I’m “stressing” over. Little do they realise I’m dead inside and don’t actually appreciate or acknowledge the fact I’m well I don’t know what I am. I don’t understand any of this so no wonder no one else does. I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine. Dancing with death but I’m fine 

Tuesday, 19 June 2018

D-day

So Friday is two days away. Friday is my exam as to whether I pass or fail my anatomy and physiology topic at uni and also see a new psychologist!! I know, I haven’t talked to anyone in such a long time because I don’t believe they can handle my issues so my team found someone with experience so we must start this bloody process all over again. I’m very ambivalent about this. Like I will know straight away if she will be able to help me and not bullshit me about life etc. hopefully she’s not an imbisal. I have to travel about 40 mins to see her but that’s not too bad if she can help me in some way. But this exam omg talk about stress. Im trying to stay positive and just take my oxazepam. Oh speaking of drugs I’ve got to that damn point of olanzapine where I have too much in my system and my jaw shakes. It’s so noticeable and all my muscles twitch it’s terrible. And then my breasts leak milk which is just lovely... damn you prolactin! 
Doctors appointment on Thursday. See how we go also getting microblafing on eyebrows Thursday! Super excited about that. Seriously though I cannot see my life past Friday. I’ve been dreading this day for so long and now it’s almost here my anxiety will crush me. My mum is driving me so I don’t crash on the way there or back. What a mess. Is there life after this??? I just need to get through. Study study study! Bring it on! 

Sunday, 17 June 2018

Razors

Nothing beats the feel of a new razor. A hardware store bought one is the smoothest and deepest reaching. Pencil Sharpner ones hurt much more and aggravate the skin but it’s what I seem to have more access to. Glass is good too but you have to break it in the right position to get a fine enough cut without it getting stuck and break off in your cut. Stanly knifes are not preferred as not sharp enough or maybe mine was just rusty and old. Most likely. 

Mmmmm

This is all BS. This whole life thing. I feel what I think. I don’t believe I have emotions? Or do I perceive them as thoughts? I don’t know. I don’t pretend to know much at all. This world scares me for things in my head are darker then outsiders percieved. I talk in past tense because I don’t see s future. But future inevitably will go on with or without you. Some of us are just destined to be alone. We touch so many lives but maybe some are just not meant to touch. We gain and lose people on our lives and I really couldn’t care. That’s just it. No psychologist is going to push me to use strategies in changing my behaviours. No psychiatrist is going to encourage mental stability and no doctor will prescribe a drug that will stop thoughts provoking death. Because no one can save you if you can’t save yourself. And you can’t save yourself if you’re already dead inside

Conspiracy theory

Have you ever stopped and considered life? Today I watched “the voice” and a DJ won, like how controversial is that and it got me thinking that life is just one big conspiracy. All of it. Think politics, movies, opinions all go pursuade you go their views, and for what? Racism???Facism? This is bullshit. We have freedom of speech but do we really? Australia is a lucky country and I’m proud to be here. I just feel so depressed for places where you can be condemned for what you believe, what you wear and what you say. This world is s depressing place. 
I’m in the middle of a quarter of a century life crisis too. I feel like my biological clock is ticking like I’m almost 25 and from my past anorexia illness it has made me infertile or so I believe so I’m thinking it will take me a long time to fall pregnant so by the time I fall pregnant I will be over 30 and will I be a nurse by then? I have no idea I mean I don’t have money for a child but will I ever have the money? Why am I thinking these things? Can we ever make a difference in life is our sole purpose to reproduce? That’s all we are and all we will ever be. 

Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Lonely but not alone

I can see myself on surfers paradise beach. The air blows calmly as my feet sink into the soft sand. The waves crash by as it races up to my feet. The water chills me but I’ve never felt so alive. Couples walk past holding hands, children build castles in the sand as I walk on by; I’m in heaven. This feeling in my chest dissipated as I know this is where I’m meant to be. I breathe in the salty air. The freedom of breaking free. Though I am alone. Surrounded by strangers but I’m not judged I tell myself. I’m calm, I have surrendered. I have found peace. 
But alas I am not on the Gold Coast right now, though alone I lay in bed with these sad thoughts and dream of better days. Will I love? Will I be loved? I don’t know. I just breathe this stale air and let the blood stain my wrists. I’m crashing, I’m falling yet I’m ever so calm. I’m drugged. I will have nightmares tonight that’s an indefinite problem but I will sweat out the fear. I’ve always dealt with nightmares it’s not going to change anytime soon. I accept that. 
I will dream of flames and burning, fears of eating crying, children lay dying and feel the pain of it all. 
I am alone and I think that’s how it’s meant to be. Waiting for someone to come along but I know better. I could confess more but I’m depressed enough tonight. Good night my pretties xx 

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Photographs

Love? Pain? Depression? Life? Medication? Living within these holes we fade away. I feel so ——-. I want to —————-. Please. Why?
I feel the burn of the flame on my skin as it seeps into my blood. My blood it flows. How I fail. I’m sorry. Why? 
I do it all. I know what to do, I have the help but I’m so stubborn and maladaptive like what do I like this??? Do I rely on others? Why can’t I be in charge of my own life. Sighs*** but I am she says. That’s the power and yet here I am in pjamas at 5pm and overdosing to sleep even though I’m forever exhausted. 
I’ve googled it and I’m diagnosing NISD, nighttime induced suicidal disorder. Never heard of it? Neither have I because I just made it up. But I did google my questions. Mentioned about bipolar swings but nothing as quick as my okay day to nighttime suicidal depression. They mentioned something about when your routine slows down the symptoms seap in. Probably has some truth to it. Idk what I’m talking about though I’m sick of diagnosis I’m sick and tired of “illness”. I feel bad so many people try to help me but can’t because I’m just a stupid idiot withering in the shadows of death. I’m obviously comfortable here. Fuck I just want to cut fuck fuck fuck 

Monday, 11 June 2018

Questions

I question everything. I’m not present. I’m nothing. I’m so lost. I I I. I’m fine. Im just not honest with anyone wait there is ONE person I can be fully honest with J. You know who you are. Judge me hate me I couldn’t care. I’m drowning in a world of tears. I breathe in combustion. Fuck. I keep telling myself I’m fine I’m fine but I’m not. My anorexia has been back for months and I’m going to weigh myself in the morning and the number will only motivate me. Whether it’s high or low. I will lose this excess. I’m comfortable with this. But I’m not? I know I won’t be happy? Do I want it to kill me this time? I don’t know but I need to run. Tomorrow is a new day. By an attempt of gaining control I will lose control. I like being around others as it gives me permission to eat but when I’m alone it’s different. I’m so disappointed in myself. Is this part of my bpd? I’m scared. This foreboding feeling is iminant. Ana is back and she says she staying, but really did she ever leave? 8 years of hell. Fml. What is wrong with me 

Sunday, 10 June 2018

No ones going to save me not even myself

Here we are again. Writing in my suicide note book. Going to plan my funeral actually. Makes me happy to know I will die one day. Just need to take that last breathe. Let go. Because I don’t know what I’m holding onto. I can’t leave I can’t disappear. What has and what will become of me? Will I ever be a nurse? Will I ever be a mother? Will I ever be happy? I feel like I will never die but the end is probably closer than I think and I should take comfort in that. 
My negativity has no end I know. I don’t mean to be so pessimistic but alas I am. I can’t see the good I do and I can’t see it within myself. I can’t allow myself to ever love I can’t allow myself to feel. I am numb. I need to cut but what good will it do? Momentary pleasure but it won’t last. I know people care I know too much about life about death. I’m in too deep. I can’t handle this. I’m not going to die from these tablets but they numb the darkness even just for a moment. I am a zombie but I’m alive? What’s worse? Living in this despair or living in fear? Of disappointing others, well I do that anyway. Would they be better off without me. Probably. I just need to do the right thing and let them go. I need to push everyone away and I need to disappear. My cat won’t live forever. I can understand those that kill their families. Saving them from this world so full of hate. Who am I kidding? Why do I do this too myself? I’m too close. I’m going to always be alone because I can’t love I can’t feel. I know who I am and what to do? But for what ? Why? Why bother about a life I will never know. I don’t think I’m even depressed. I’m probably not borderline. I’m dead already. I take pleasure in anorexia. Now Tomorrow. I tell myself now I will starve because it hurts less. But I’m starved of oxygen. I’m drowning so deep and each day I come up for air I a wave takes me. I make myself oblivious and I breathe. I am nothing. Just a mind in a corpse of hate and negativity. Positive affirmations sure but the thoughts come back. Why can’t anyone understand???? I’m so lost I can’t explain. I’m such a ducking mess. I need to isolate I need to disappear. The drugs are working and I think I’m finally falling asleep 

Tuesday, 5 June 2018

The broken break us

So I was fine. Well not really but I ventured to uni anyway though it was a class of 4. I did what I had to. I was in control and then my heart started racing and my chest was pounding. I had to leave. It always happens after lunch and I couldn’t handle it. I had diarrhoea and felt like I was going to be sick and alas I was several times on the drive home. I took my meds and talked to someone. I had to pull over from crying and screaming. I was not in control. My medication needs to be taken regularly but the more I take it the more hypnotic state I’m in and can’t retain new information. I’m a zombie. Can I really do this degree in another state of mind? I’m basically comatosed. I don’t know the stress is killing me. Not the uni work but the classes. Is this really what I want? Will I make a good nurse? I think I could but how far must I push myself through unnecessary stress that is irrelevant to uni. I just feel I’m going no where which is so untrue because I’m growing as a person and becoming a better human being. Maybe I’m freaking out because I’m scared I will love what I become? I’m scared of applying myself and scared of achieving great things. And on the other hand headspace keep contacting me but in a months time I will be too old for their services so what the hec do I do now? I can’t afford a psychologist in my town so I will continue my psychiatrist from SEDS appts. 
I can’t drop uni because I don’t want to fall behind the others. But my mind is in pieces and I’m broke. Dear oh dear. I just want to escape and read my novel but I’m oh so tired so I must try to sleep. I love bed. 

Saturday, 2 June 2018

Time to complain

I’m sorry to winge but I have no one to winge to and I need to vent. 
Woke up in so much pain this morning dizzy and shit shit shit. So I pulled out of work which I can’t afford and spent the afternoon vomiting besides medication. I’ve had this headache for days and my stomach is KILLING me! I don’t know what’s going on other than a simple migraine. Please god grant me sleep