Saturday, 26 May 2018

Survival is the key

I was doing so well and that second I let my guard down it comes flooding back like a roaring wave of worthless despair. 
I have a purpose, I have drive (sometimes) I have a good life, a good life worth living. But is it really worth living if I’m plagued by these thoughts? The thoughts never stop and I have the skills I know what to do but I don’t care it’s easier to just take a tablet then endings in behaviours. Confession: I’ve been purging as a form of self harm but now I’ve stopped I neeeeeed to hurt myself. The things I say the way I am, I try to act so perfect when actually I say the dumbest things and propbably perceived as an idiot. I’m so embarrassed by myself like it’s so easy to kill myself and avoid it all. There is one easy fix and I keep fantasising about it. How sad. I am the black my thoughts are so dark. Surely Just one little cut wouldn’t matter. On my ribs where no one can see just a little bit of pain. Just to cope. No one will know. Then! I need to lose weight Ana says. “You will be happy” which is BS! I know anas path and I endulge in it too often. I can’t be the girl with problems. Omg I wish I could have someone to be with to love me so I wouldn’t have to do these things. I have my cat, he is my responsibility. I can’t cut. But I must. I’m so unhappy but I’m so alive. Why do I do this. Why must I be in such physical and mental pain. I have this burden so no one else has to carry it and maybe one day I can help someone. But who can help me? 

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