Sunday, 6 May 2018

Psychosocial development lashout

So I got 55% on my first essay written in an hour the day before it was due. Simply because I had forgot (thanks depression) and the lecturers comments make me wanna neck myself. It was a ‘superficial ‘ paper and not a scholastic paper well I don’t want to be a scholar I just want to be a nurse. Now I don’t know how I’m going to cope this is all rubbish like what does being a scholastic researcher references have to do with being a nurse? What’s wrong with boois not journal artcicles and peer referenced pieces of shit. I know I’ve taken this to heart but does the lecturer realise I forgot the assignment because I was too busy cutting myself and planning my suicide like really fuck off. I’m trying to act like I don’t care cos if I take all these comments to heart there will be nothing left of me by the end of this degree. Is this the beginning of the end for me? Quit now while I’m ahead? I need to get s hold of this depression and move forward in life but I don’t know how. Nursing is propelling meinto an unknown scary world and I just feel like a failure. All I can do is cut myself. I can achieve that at least. I can take a handful of pills and maybe not wake up tomorrow. I’m being over dramatic but it’s just I’m not prepared for this! Like I won’t be able to cope with nursing the way I am. What am I doing? What am I going to do. I don’t know what to think. I have 3 exams this week and this topic will be over in a month I just hope I pass and this psychosocial development bullshit will be behind me. Ironic I’m having a development issue myself because my psychosocial life was altered by illness and admissions. I’ve developed higher in areas and not in others. My identity phase continues and my integrity crumbles. 

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