Thursday, 3 May 2018

Fear of failure

im so afraid. So afraid that I’m isolating myself from the world and al it’s antics. I don’t know how long I can last. I want to do my nursing but I don’t put in the time for study. All I do is sleep.  I need to get my head straight but I’m failing hard. If I actually tried I’d be axing it but I just can’t I’m so down like I feel nothing. Im just trying to breathe. I’m so overwhelmed though I won’t afmit it. I won’t give it a chance. I want so bad to succeed but then what? Who is by myself? Sober and alone. I have friends from work but that’s where it ends. I have nothing outside of the workplace but study. Do I want another life? I don’t know. I know I’m fat though and a failure for recovering anorexia. Every night I go to bed and I’m full of regret. So I over medicate, I abuse some laxatives and enter another nightmare. I’m so afraid of the future. I’m so afraid of digesting food. I’m so afraid of letting myself down but the truth is I quit before I have the chance to try. So this should be my turn around point. Do or die. Fight or flight. When really I just want to sleep. I’m so numb. My dreams are more exciting. My nightmares I mean

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