Wednesday, 16 May 2018

Fake a smile and lie today

So I made it to placement and was the longest 5 hours but hey I did it then slept the afternoon. The real issue is that I feel like a fake. Like I’m faking depression if I don’t cut myself. I mustn’t be suffering unless I show it by cutting or starving or purging. Like otherwise I’m invisible it seems. Like I don’t want people to know my life story but I don’t want to be classed as lived a sheltered life like I’m incompetent and judged as being weak when I’m strong, independent and can clarify anything. 
Bit pissed off my ex is coming down on the weekend to finally get his car and let’s hope boat, but what’s the bet he drags it out another few weeks. Seeing him will really distress me because I just want to punch him in the face for the way he treated me. I thought I was the problem and hated myself and lost myself completely only to start lithium and see clarity of the situation that was being emotionally abused. The thing is he doesn’t probably even realise he was doing it. All his traits everything about him. But alas Ive moved on from rambling about the things he would say and do.  though it’s scared me from ever being in a relationship at this stage I know what I’m not looking for. I never thought I would be so bitter about all this but that’s just how things are. 
Back to faking. 
I think I’m also a fake because well I’ve come to the conclusion I’m probably not going to commit suicide. Though I idolise it so much I’m probably too lazy to do it in ways that would succeed. There’s just so many ways to do it but they effect so many more peoples lives than you realise and I hate upsetting people. I don’t want a funeral and I don’t know how I’d like to be remembered because since gaining weight after anorexia I’ve gained so much insight that my new life has just begun and I can do anything I want and be anyone I want. I want to be kind. I want people to like me for who I am as a person and know I’m trustworthy and decent. I want to be loved. I want to forget about borderline personality disorder and have meaningful relationships. 
I want a life! I want to then get married and have babies and have meaning. I’ve never wanted that. So what’s my life expectancy?? I don’t even know. I’m still taking one day at a time. One hour one minute because things can change in an instance. 
Today I gained insight into the kind people that donate their time to cook meals for the elderly. There are so many kind and generous people out there and I want to be one. 

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