Tuesday, 1 May 2018

Deleted Instagram posts

9 years ago... when I had long luscious hair and was healthy. Before any of this shit.  I haven’t been on lately because honestly I’m pissed off. Angry at not only myself but fuming that others live such a life without infusions, injections, supplements, constant blood tests, tubes and medications like oh and can eat whatever whenever without the repercussions and have energy to live life and go out and socialise!! It’s not just my ED my health from my depression and my organs don’t respond so well after torturing them for 9 years now. So I’m Sick of being judged. Like you don’t know me you don’t understand I get it but you don’t have the right to judge me and talk about me..... I’m getting better mentally at coping with all this but I do have more moments that make me want to jump in front of a bus. So much is going on atm!! I want to update but I don’t think I’m ready to share. I’m sorry for letting you all down. Talk soon xx #chronicillness #chronicpain #bpd #depression #anorexiarecovery

So much pain. Physically I mean. Kidneys ⬇️ fever ⬆️ wheat bags ✔️ medication for every symptom 🀦🏼‍♀️ I hate this. Uni tomorrow and I feel like death then comes the depression side well wtf do I even have it cos if you have that imbalance shouldn’t medication fix it!? Yes yes now I should be pursuing my radical acceptance and throw in a half simple for bpd reactions but ffs coping mechanisms only get you so far.,, fix the goddam problem which is me. I can tell you how with the shot of a gun. Prescribe that bitches. Idk is rural and remote took me serious last night but it didn’t end well I can tell you that. Good days or bad days. Luck of the draw. Coping mechanisms but you time but how much time? What if you exhaust every measure? What if you’re just not meant for this life like why do things go wrong and were put in these positions. Hopefully I can stop being a shitty person and overcome this but 24 years is a lot to overcome. I’ll never shake the stigma people have over me but this is not how I want to be remembered . No way. Fight on my lovelies. πŸ’ͺ🏻πŸ’ͺ🏻πŸ’ͺ🏻 Maybe one day we will understand this mess we call life. May our purpose be found and happiness rejoiced #sucidalideation #fuck #bpd #depression

I’m just over this shit. What is the ducking point? No man is ever coming to save me from my tower of self destruction. I’m wasted on pills that numb my everlasting already numbness. I’m angry. I’m pissed and I want to hurt myself. I want to die then I don’t have to go to work tomorrow and have another shit day. I can’t sleep unless I mix it up to an overdose. I’m just fucking done always being the nice one that people walk over. From now I’m going to stand up and tell people what I really think and have them fuck off around me. I care too much and I need to step back and let go. I need to re-evaluate. I need to breathe without the crushing pain on my chest. I’m going to blog from now on. To help others and to vent. I need to ventilate my life. IM NOT HIDING ANYMORE  #suicide #depression #bpd #anxiety #distress #blogging# I’m not

In the middle of a self harm relapse which my eating disorder is taking much advantage of. But that’s okay because I’m stronger than these disorders and I most likely will have another sleepless night but that’s okay! The specialist psychiatrist couldn’t really help me today more trying to tell me to join groups and make friends. Yeah like that’s easy in this small town. Plus my social anxiety so I’m just hoping when I study next year I meet some cool people. My ED soldiers nothing is harder. Today I had one of those moments where I walked in Woolworths and all I bought was light soy milk cos I was so afraid of food. Can anyone relate?? Please send me some love I need it 😞

Once again I am struggling with food as my depression has gotten worse so I’m trying to focus on weight loss to cope. No no no! Tomorrow I will start my fortisips again and i will get past this unhealthy eating dissorder ! I refuse to let Ana take hold again now after I finally healthy. I can do this. Weight restored and I plan on keeping it that way I just need my depression under control. Psych appointment tomorrow then mental health team review Monday. Getting it done! Wish me luck! #recovery #anorexia #weightrestored 

Pulled over trying to pull myself together waiting for the pills to kick in. Blasting the music because I am nothing but numb. Numb numb numb. I don't want PTSD getting the better of me but when it's all you dream about and all you can feel what am I meant to do? I can't go home cos mum knows something is up and saw me taking me pills but I can't tell her without causing more shame. THe things I've done I just can't. I'm a disappointment as it is. I will get through this. I will. I have a beautiful boyfriend To life for.I'm going to go on the crisis helpline. That will pull me through. Do what you need to do. Fight my lovelies fight!!! Please never let the BPD win! We are so much better than this! We are destined for greatness! We are!! ❤️❤️❤️

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